Cross Roads...

Where am I going to go from here????

No New Messages

It's 1 AM here and I just finished the 3rd installment of the Twilight Saga. Yeah - I know a lot of people are like "That's so lame...stupid shiny vampires" blah - blah - blah. Yeah I get it. However, to get to my point I have to add that small piece of info into this entry. I am going to act as if ya'll are dumb to the series and just start by saying this... Bella has chosen to marry Edward become a vamp... blah blah blah.. And had to break her friendship/love off with Jacob, the werewolf. At the end of the book, it gives Jacob's point of view and how he just wants to run away and be alone. For some reason, this triggered a memory in me I haven't thought about in quite some time. The Memory of Forgiveness.

When I was a freshmen in high school, I was in JROTC. I had this huge crush on this boy named Cameron and to my lack of confidence in myself he had said yes to going to the military ball with me as my date. I was sure that we were going to eventually become boyfriend and girlfriend. I was also sure that there was a high chance involved that I might lose my virginity to this guy. I was very passionate about him. But to my dismay, the night of the ball was a disaster. That night I wore a beautiful dark blood red empire waist dress and he wore this awful black with green tux. I guess, that was just a small thing - right? Not really it was the preview of what was to come later on that night. I was pretty much happy, even with the miscommunication on color coordination (hey, what can you do - sometimes guys just don't get it.) Until, I was informed his ex-girlfriend was there. To make a long story shorter - by the time I realized he was missing for most of the rest of the evening, and made it to the lobby of the hotel the dance was being held. I saw that his ex-girlfriend was sitting comfortably on his lap. I didn't need an explanation of that - it was pretty clear. It broke my heart and I was very hurt for a long time. I remember comparing it to what my mother had gone through just a few years prior when my dad had cheated on her. It was just a pain I never thought I would endure again - let alone know so well.

Years would go by, and in the summer of 2006 I was losing weight to join the Army and at the time I had a myspace and for some reason I decided to look Cameron up. It wasn't until tonight that I realized it was an act of forgiveness. I was forgiving him for that night so many, many years ago.

I guess the subject of forgiveness has been on my mind lately, with the holidays and all. I have had someone on my mind that I wish would just go away, but you can't help who you love. Lately, it seems every where I look there is something that reminds me of him, but nothing that can make me forgive him for everything that has happened - whether set into motion by his actions or the hurtful things he actually did himself. Perhaps, it will take many, many years for me to reach the point to where I can honestly say 'I forgive you' or even perform an act of forgiveness. I hope someday I can report back to this and say "You know, even though I wasted a lot of time and effort and love on this man, I can honestly say I forgive him."

But Today - Is not that Day and I have 'No New Messages.'

Where ever you are...

I hope you have a blessed Christmas...You're all I've thought about today.

"I Never Came"
Queens of the Stone Age

When you say it's dead & gone
I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I d'ont mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came....

The Missing Piece...

I miss you...
I hate you...
I miss you...
I love you...
I miss you...
I want to know you're alright...
I miss you...
I want you out of my life...
I miss you...
I can't get you out of my head...
I miss you...
I can't get you out of my heart...
I miss you...
But I'm in pieces because you've torn me apart...
Most of all... I miss you... and I just want my heart back.

Hair Dye Ranger Lead The Way

It's AMAZING how little things can change you. I dyed my hair darker - auburn to be exact. I guess, it's my hopeless attempt to erase my past, to look forward to the present and try not to suffer the future. I met a really cool guy that I've become friends with - he's a ranger here on TDY from Ft. Benning. Or as my favorite NCO likes to say "He's just a Rakkasan with money - it's great!" Yeah but he isn't a complete asshole like most of the Rakkasans are. Ranger's put those 3BCT assholes in there place... it was wonderful seeing the Rakkasan's hang there head in shame seeing my Rangers! :D

Yeah I'm a little bitter, angry, and disgusted. Probably will be for a long time... but atleast I'm trying to get help - unlike some PEOPLE.. no names being inserted here. He knows who he is.

I hope you can live with yourself.