Not doing too good today...

Seems like an on going pattern with me. I spoke with the lawyer today about getting something arranged. Wasn't really happy about it. Made me feel lost, dirty, alone, useless, not right, shameful... a huge list long of things basically hating myself. I do that alot because I'm tired of being sorry for everything. Being blamed for everything... for never feeling safe.

Events and Lack of Dating...

Oh lord... Here I go talking about my failed love life. Yes, I know all you readers out there are like "What the fuck? You've been gone a whole month and now you're talking about your failed love life... again!" First, let me explain about the extended abscene - my computer died. Second, nothing horrible has happened in my love life... Whose-it-What's-it Moved to Spain and I really haven't dated since him. Which is good I guess... I'm trying to get used to new meds the doc has me on... and the cutting my cafine intake in half... and NOT drinking.... and trying to lose weight... Lord Help us... I might go even more crazy.

However, I did notice something while I was away - people actually read this blog and that makes me happy. I know, I know.. me happy? Well, maybe that isn't the right thing to say -it's just I'm glad someone is listening and I'm glad someone can relate.

Love you all and wish you great blessings... I'll keep on truckin' with my rants and stuff. THANKS!!!

Silent Causalty of a Hidden War

I have spent the last two years trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done to change the events of November 9, 2008 and even the beginnings and endings of my military career. It saddens me that even today with all this talk about taking care of the troops and our wounded warriors, that I am forgotten and many men and women like me are forgotten because our wounds didn't come from an enemy with a foriegn agenda or a religious cause....our wounds came from our own, the same people we were suppose to protect - each other. I still carry with me a lot of angry and bitterness. A lot of hurt and pain. I have yet to figure out what to do with all of it. I just wake up every morning hoping today will be better. But for all of you out there... all of you just like me... I remember you and I say a prayer and burn a candle and hope that justice will be served, peace will be made and hope will go on.

2 years...

It gets better a little bit at a time.