"I Lost My Love In Baghdad"

Today I just finished a book called I Lost My Love In Baghdad By Michael Hastings. It is probably the most beautiful piece of literature I've read in a REALLY long time. It is powerful in nature because its a true love story of two real people. Two people whose careers dictate there futures. I can relate to this story because I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a beautiful man, whose passionate love is more than I ever dreamed of; as well as our careers, both military in nature are dictate by the events of the world around us. We're both scared right now. I'm scared that he doesn't think our love will be enough - I think it will. A little love is always enough. I would give him my world if he asked it of me. I don't think he quite realizes that just yet. I think its because he's be an absolute miracle for me. Saving me from my self-destructive ways.

"When was the moment you knew???"

The moment I knew that I loved him was the day after we had gone out and been drinking. I had been a complete jackass about a situation that had happened the night before and I stormed out of the bar and went home. I shouldn't have gone home because I was so drunk that it was probably VERY unsafe for me to be alone. I remember the next day being in his room and apologizing to him about what had happened. I realized that he was genuinely concerned about my well-being and that I had deeply hurt him just vanishing like that. He was worried that something bad had happened to me and that it might have hurt our relationship. I Knew in that moment of him expressing his concern for me, his genuine worry over myself, I knew that I loved him. And that I was scared of loving anyone who could ever love me.

I remember the first night we kissed. I told him up front that I was an emotional trainwreck and that he'd probably just wanna go be with someone else. Thats when he told me that he liked me the first moment he saw me. Of course, I thought he was meaning a few days before our little date. No - he ment the moment he saw me five months prior to that night, when I first got here. He saw me sweeping the steps in my office. Then he saw me around post. Then we talked once at the clinic. Then the night at the bar. Then the first time we talked and went out on a date.

I love him - I love him deeply. I love him because he loves me and all my imperfections and perfections. I don't know where I would be without him. I always want him in my life - through thick and thin.

First Bad Day in quiet sometime..

I'm not talking your typical bad days.. I'm talking the days when you feel like "Before she turned the gun on herself..." Days.

It sucks so bad because I am trying to take vacation and my job is being crazy about it. I miss my absolutely amazing and beautiful boyfriend and... the bottom line is.. I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to sleep in my parents house and not have a care in the world for a few days. Right now I'm sitting in my room pondering just a little of everything. I have to go back to work in about an hour... thinking about taking a nap...

Hmmm...

Hmmmmmmm....

My Family

One thing I know about my father's side of the family is that it never fails when it comes to wanting attention. One of my father's brothers is being deployed to Iraq and another brother's daughter's boyfriend is going as well. Then I have a cousin going to Afghanistan soon too.. You know what... TOUGH SHIT!! Boo... FUCKING HOO!!! I'm sorry to sound like a cold hearted bitch but this is what we all signed up to fucking do. What makes it worse is that the two that are going to Iraq are fucking National Guardsmen. Sorry - I know what kinda people they are... Yeah it scares me. As for my other unlce - more power to you bro... its your third deployment as an ACTIVE duty soldier.

I just have such a bitter taste in my mouth about all that bull shit. Throwing parties and shit... then not even acknowledging my existance for almost 23 years... FUCK THAT SHIT...

"Do you Remember..."

Do you remember when you used to make your boyfriend or girlfriend mixed tapes? I'm making my boyfriend Dory a mixed tape right now. I dunno - something personal to send him so that when he starts to miss me he'll have something to listen to and be like... 'I really love this girl.'

Atleast I hope so :)

I'm Like A Bird.....

"I'm Like A Bird"

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x 3]

IxChel: Invocating the power of a Goddess

Among the Maya of the Yucatan peninsula, this was the name of the snake goddess of water and the moon, of childbirth and weaving.

Once, it was said, she took the Sun as her lover, but her grandfather hurled lightning jealously at her, killing the girl.

Grieving dragonflies sang over Ix Chel for 13 days, at the end of which time she emerged, whole and alive, and followed her lover to his palace. But there the Sun in turn grew jealous of the goddess, accusing her of taking a new lover: his brother, the morning star.

He threw Ix Chel from heaven and she found sanctuary with the vulture divinity. The Sun pursued her and lured her home, but immediately he grew jealous again. Ix Chel, weary of the Sun's behaviour, left his home and his bed to wander the night as she wished, making herself invisible whenever he came near. The night-riding goddess spent her energies in nursing the women of earth through pregnancy and labour, taking special care of those who visited her sacred island of Cozumel.

The two symbols in this story are very significant. Snake medicine asks us to shed our skin, to be less resistance to change. Dragonfly is worth contemplating ...

Dragonfly...
Dragonfly strips away the illusions that say to us we cannot achieve our dreams and goals.

Dragonfly is the keeper of dreams, the knower within that sees all of our true potential and ability.

The iridescence of Dragon­fly's wings reminds us of colors not found in our everyday experience. Dragonfly's shifting of colour, energy, form, and movement explodes into the mind of the observer, bringing vague memories of a time or place where magic reigned.

Some legends say that Dragonfly was once Dragon, and that Dragon had scales like Dragonfly's wings. Dragon was full of wisdom, and flew through the night bringing light with its fiery breath. The breath of Dragon brought forth the art of magic and the illusion of changing form. Then Dragon got caught in its own facade. Coyote tricked Dragon into changing form, and the shape of its new body became like Dragonfly's. In accepting the challenge to prove its power and magical prowess, Dragon lost its power.

Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment, and the communications from the elemental world. This elemental world is made up of the tiny spirits of plants, and of the elements air, earth, fire, and water. In essence, this world is full of nature spirits.

On the psychological level, it may be time to break down the illusions you have held that restrict your actions or ideas.

Dragonfly medicine always beckons you to seek out the parts of your habits which you need to change. Have you put on too much weight, or have you started to look like a scarecrow? Have you tended to the changes you have wanted to make in your life? If you feel the need for change, call on Dragonfly to guide you through the mists of illusion to the pathway of transformation.

http://www.hranajanto.com/goddessgallery/ixchel.html

This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor...

The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident
This was a therapeutic chain of events