What If You...

I Don't Like the Drugs But The Drugs Like Me...

I had a dream Saturday night about him.


In my dream I was outside smoking. Mike walked by and I said Hi and Mike's friend said "He's pissed at you." I was like "Why?" he says "I dunno why don't you ask him." So as Mike walked passed by again I asked him why he was pissed. He replies with, while he sits down next to me, "Do you really want to know why?" and I said "Yes."

"You know that canvas you made. What would you do if it was me?" he says.

I replied with "I would catch you." And then he kissed me.

A deep, wanting, longing kiss.

I woke up so fast and got up out of bed so fast that I couldn't function the rest of the day.

Letters

These letters are dated July 3,2009 and were posted in a local paper. I have copied and pasted them onto this blog because I wanted to add my own letter.

Letters to the Editor

Military Families
Published: Friday, July 3, 2009 9:48 AM PDT
In celebration of Independence Day, The Windsor Times asked several Windsor residents with family serving abroad to reflect on their expereince as a military family. Their responses are printed below.
....

Sons and daughters in the military

Our son-in-law enlisted in the Army (Steve Wadleigh) while engaged to our daughter (Lea-Ann Gudmundson), WHS grad 2000. They moved their wedding plans up to accommodate his assignment to Korea, and she enlisted in the Army, the theory being, by the time she finished basic and AIT school he would be back and they could be stationed together. I cried a lot over that decision, but trusted God, as they did, that it was His plan. She became pregnant when he came home from Korea, a wee bit of an oops (our granddaughter). They were stationed together at Fort Stewart, Ga., until their units were scheduled to deploy to Iraq. Our daughter’s commanding officer liked her and her work as a medic at the post clinic; he gave her an honorable discharge, early, because both of them were to deploy to Iraq at the same time, with no plan of care for our grandchild. She has been an exemplary Army wife and her husband has seen two tours of Iraq since Korea.

Our son, Michael, enlisted in the Army after graduating WHS, along with our neighbors’ son, Jimmy Porter. They went to boot camp together at Fort Benning, Ga., and then Jimmy had orders to the 82nd Airborne, and Mike had orders to the 101st Airborne. Mike went to Rhamadi right out of boot camp.

What a hellhole for a young man. He came back different, more mature, insightful. He was stateside for a year and then got orders for Afghanistan in October 2007. I got a letter in the mail for a power of attorney and a will, stuff he never thought of first time out. Oh how we prayed for him and our son-in-law. Our son-in-law, Staff Sgt. Steve Wadleigh, was wounded in Iraq January 2008. He was the passenger in a vehicle hit by an IED; his driver was wounded and his gunner was killed. Shrapnel pierced the Kevlar strap on his helmet, imbedding in his cheek.

Praise God he was alive. They fixed him up and awarded him the Purple Heart, and he continued his tour. In May 2008, we were notified by the Department of the Army that our son had been wounded in Afghanistan. His vehicle was hit by an IED, his sergeant in the passenger seat was killed and his driver wounded. Michael would be flown to Germany and we would be notified when he was being flown stateside.

Capt. Blalock called to tell us of our son’s injuries: “We were able to save the left leg.” (What about the right leg?) No mother should get that kind of phone call. Michael was awarded his Purple Heart in a hospital bed. The Capt. stated the Department of the Army would fly us to whatever medical facility Mike was sent. An agonizing week of wondering where he was and hoping and praying it would not be Walter Reed, as we had heard only the extremely wounded soldiers were sent there. We got a call on a Friday to fly out that evening to Eisenhower Medical Center in Augusta, Ga.

The Army flew us and housed us at a Fisher House by the hospital. For two weeks we stayed at Fisher House and walked to the hospital and spent every moment with our son as he endured wound treatments to his foot and leg. Daily “wash outs” were horrible; yes, he had both feet. We heard then that Mike had actually ridden in the back of a truck, wounded, with his driver in his lap, holding that man’s abdominal wound closed with his hands. So, here we are a year later, our son-in-law has moved on to a duty station in California training troops in the desert at Fort Irwin. Our son, Spc. Michael Gudmundson, is still in a wounded warrior unit at Fort Campbell, Ky., and we thank the Lord every day that he protected our boys.

Steve and Val Gudmundson

A way of life

My name is Lea-Ann Wadleigh (formerly Lea-Ann Gudmundson of Windsor). I am a native “Windsorite” and my husband was a transplant from the Sacramento area. I have served in the U.S. Army and my husband Staff Sgt. Steve Wadleigh is currently serving. We are stationed at Fort Irwin in the Mojave Desert and my husband Steve has been through two deployments to Iraq. While he was on his first tour of duty to Iraq I gave birth to our first little girl, Madison, whom he was unable to meet until she was 5 months old. Our second daughter was born between deployments, Carissa, and Steve was able to be there for her birth.

My brother Michael Gudmundson is also in the Army and he is currently stationed at Fort Campbell. Ky. He and my husband are both Purple Heart recipients.

I would like to say that there is a tremendous amount of sacrifice that comes with being in the Army, but it becomes a way of life. The Army becomes your life in every aspect, but it becomes so natural and routine just like any other job. When my husband deploys it is like a piece of me is missing. There is a great hole in my heart when he leaves us. We have come to appreciate the small things: love letters, phone calls, pictures and cards. We have spent more of our marriage apart then we have been together, but we have learned ways to make communication a huge priority during deployments. We have a strong faith in God and we know that Steve’s life was spared in January of 2008 when a IED (improvised explosive device) hit his vehicle, killing his gunner and critically wounding his driver. Steve managed to walk away with some small pieces of shrapnel in his cheek, neck and shoulder, but he had his life and remained in country with his soldiers because he knew how much they counted on him. It is soldiers like my husband who are the true definition of what it means to be an American soldier, and to live above the Army’s values of loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. I truly appreciate our military and their families.

In appreciation,

Lea-Ann Wadleigh


To whom it may concern:

I want to start by saying that I am proud that even for a moment that I have served in the US Army. Granted most of my time was clouded by the darkness of grieve and disgust, atleast I can say I did something. However, this isn't the reason why I am writing this letter. I was most fortunate to fall in love and be with one of the most caring individuals that God has blessed me to have crossed paths with: Michael Gudmundson.

We met at a bar here in Clarksville, where we are both stationed, and I never thought in a million years after all of the suffering in love relationships and most recently my career that I would meet someone who would change my life. I remember the first night we talked on and on about ourselves and what happened to us. I really didn't think he would call me... but the next evening I had a voicemail from this wonderful man.

Since my assault on 9 November 2009, I never thought I would be able to trust or confide in anyone anymore. I had felt hopeless and miserable... but he came into my life and saved me from myself and from the events that hurt me the most. I shared my the darkest part of my life with him and he never judged me, never made me feel bad for what happened, and helped me get through days I didn't think I would survive.

He saved my life.

Now he and I are not together anymore, I still hold a deep place in my heart for him. More so than anymore I've ever met in my life. We've survived the most horrible things that any human being could endured - but somehow we connected even for a brief moment in our lives. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again.

Love Always

Jessica

28 Days

Well.

I don't even know how to begin this blog.

Since the last time I wrote on here - my case took a turn for the worse. The main assailant, the one that should have been charged more with, was found guilty of incident acts but only go 3/4's of his pay taken for one month.

To be honest I am rather at a lose when it comes to this. For the last week I've been numb, now I'm just plan out sad and exhausted. Hurt that people like me will always be victimized just because I made a bad choice - I trusted the wrong people.

I'm sorry I have a hard time talking about all of this. So I want to move onto my Blog Title which is : 28 Days.

My former boyfriend Mike just recently told me that he was going to seek help about his addiction to pills. I knew he had a problem but with both of us together - we have been effected so deeply by the traumatic events that have changed our lives. There is a possibility that he will be placed in an inpatient treatment facility for 28 days to deal with this. An honestly, I hope he goes. He needs it just as much as I need help. He's really a great guy and maybe I will never know the real reasons why we broke up but I do know I will always have a place in my broken heart for him because we've shared some of the most intimate details of the most horrible things that could have happen to each other. He's been the only real friend I've had through all this mess.

Tired of Being Sorry

Tonight most of all I've realized I'm exhausted from being sorry for myself...well not just myself but feeling sorry for loving the people I love.

I just don't understand how I come across these people... How I come across people who don't love me like I love them.

What did I do that is so wrong?

Because I'll never be what people want me to be..

Sorry that I'm not 36 24 36 with tattoos and pierced nipples and tongue ring.

Sad thing is.. I used to be that girl. Now I'm just a fat, tattooed, and depressed girl.

I just want me life back and the sad thing is I'll never have it back. As long as I'm here I'm always going to be haunted by what people have done to me and how I am so much of a failure. Hell - no one ever leaves me comments of even bothers to read this damn journal I've kept over the last well almost two years.



And this is the girl I'm not... but I wish I was... I wish I wasn't the shell of a person I used to be nor an ugly fat girl I am now.

I always thought.. I'd be a mom...

"Simple Kind Of Life"

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life