I often find myself after nights that are suppose to be joyous, laying in my bed the next morning thinking about how easy it would be just to not exist anymore. I live everyday with the mark of what has been done to me. A piece of my soul is missing, its a wound so large that it affects everything I do. I don't know how to hide it or repair it... to mend it so that it heals. Everyone keeps saying "Time." I know time is suppose to heal all wounds, however, this one is pretty large. And unfortunately, a physical wound would be easier to have then this burden, this cross I bare everyday. I wish I could trade places with someone - anyone. Sad thing is I still think about you. And the promise I made. I usually keep my promises... I know you never did and probably will never be able to keep such promises not only to anyone else but yourself. I get so angry with you - so much anger that I hate you. Ironically enough I still love you.
When I hear things like "4 soldiers killed by suicide bomber." I still worry and hope you're safe.
I don't think I can ever forgive you for leaving me. Especially how you left me. I wish you could have been more honest with me, but most of all honest with yourself.
Sometimes I blame you for what happened that week. Mostly I blame myself for loving you so much to allow you to affect me so deeply. Why do we as humans allow this thing, this chemical reaction in our heads called love break us down so much?
You'll never know how you leaving affected me....
You'll never know how it felt to be violated like that...
You'll never know how it broke my heart...
You'll never know how I wake up everyday hoping that maybe today the pain will end...
You'll never know about the doctor's appointments, the legal appointments, the possible flight back to South East Asia...
You'll never know how I cry so hard sometimes I can't breathe...
You'll never know about the trauma...
You'll never know how I wish someone would just hold me so I can feel safe...
You'll never know how I don't feel safe anymore... No matter where I'm at...
You'll never know how I blame you as if you were in the room and did nothing to stop them...
You'll never know how you marrying her affected me...
You'll never know how she tries to contact me because she believes we should all be friends...
You'll never know how that makes me want to slit my wrist...
You'll never know how I want to address my suicide note to you..
You'll never know how you leaving affected me.
