You Had Given Me No Other Choice...

Between the heartless expressions of love, what I thought was love, and the sedation of medication and alcohol. I never really thought I would end up here. You gave me no other choice...

Bulllies

The older I get, I realize that we are not that much far removed from high school.

Stereotypes still exist whether we like them to or not. 

It pisses me off when I feel like I am being bullied. I am almost 30 years old and I feel bullied- this shouldn't be. Today, I received a SECOND voicemail in months about a bill I have not been able to pay because of my scumbag ex. Paying the bill will not be a problem come the first of the month - however, it was the way the guy left a voicemail saying I was basically a piece of shit because I didn't pay my bill. Well, let me tell you. I lost my apartment. I lost all my money. And you aren't the only asshole who hasn't been paid or paid on time in the last few months. So report it to the credit bureau and do not make me feel even WORSE about everything I am going through. I don't understand why people - like this man - get pleasure in making people feel like shit. Does it make them feel like a bigger person?

Usually, I would call him back and give him a piece of my mind. But honestly, I don't have the strength to have him. So I am just going on the 1st and pay the damn bill in full. That will be another monkey off my back - thank god. 

This moving back home has been a blessing and a curse. The blessing has been that I have been sober now for a month an half and the curse has been my dirty debt secret I have had to keep hidden from my family because of my ex. 

Thanks to him - I am making more money than I have ever made in my life and I am still over drawn at the bank. It pisses me off. Especially, since he bought a new jeep and then showed up at my house and wanted to "talk."

What part of I don't want you in my life- do you not UNDERSTAND!?!?!?!

Sorry just needed a place to vent tonight. 

Addiction

Admitting to addiction is the hardest thing I have done. I have issues with alcohol, food, and basically my whole body image. Between drinking and eating my emotions for years - I have set myself into a cycle of bad choices and even worse mistakes. Coming clean has been the best thing I have done. Especially since I am beginning to enjoy my own company verses the sad torture of being alone. I see things sometimes. Perhaps I shouldn't mention that - perhaps that probably makes me sound crazy but I guess I am crazy. Maybe this whole world is just crazy. Right now I am waiting to get back on my feet. I am waiting for my money to come in so I can pay off the bills that I acquired during another failed relationship and self loathing torture I put myself through. Once I have overcome that next obstacle I am going to look towards the future and purchase my own house - my own home. A refuge. I need a place to call my own so I can heal and grow and perhaps someday have a family. Another goal is that I want to start writing more. I may not write the great American novel but atleast I can write out my thoughts and feelings more so I am not so bottled up all the time. Sometimes I feel like I share to much - but then deep down I feel like I do not share enough with the world.

Control

Taking Control of your life is going to be hard-but it will be worth it. 

A New Beginning....

"Just Because You Can... Doesn't Mean You Should."

"But we can still come back. We're not to far gone. We get to come back...I know. We can all change."

Butterflies!!!

Okay! So it has been a REALLY long time since I met someone who has given me butterflies in my stomach, makes me smile when I see a text from them and just all around makes me giddy.

And of course to stick with my M.O. he is military, short, dark and handsome... Like Seriously?!!?!? Haven't I learned my lesson before?? Obviously not! However, I really hope something comes of this because with his training and me going back to school in the Spring ... it could work... maybe?? If God allows it.

We will see.

This is us..

My Dearest Allie

. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah