Truth Is....

I'm not fucking okay.

I hate being here in Korea. It sucks so much. I'm sick of people telling me I'm fat - HELLO!!!! I know this... I don't need a fucking reminder. Seriously - I'm getting to the point where I'm like - WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING....Joining the Army has been the biggest regret of my life. Second to quitting college.

I get so angry at those fucking bitches who popped out one or two kids and get all this financial aid to go to school and because my parents made barely over the fucking lower middle class status - I couldn't get financial aid.

So to all these Presidential Candidates.... FUCK OFF!! You aren't going to change anything.

I used to be so motivated with my life and want more. Now all I want is a fucking pine box. Listen kids the world is fucking cruel. I get it... But why do I have to be shit on all the fucking time. Is this God ultimate test?? Does God REALLY hate me???

I feel like I'm slowly dying of this poison.

You know what sucks even more - is that for a little while I thought if I didn't think about it ... if I just forget it... ignore it... it would just go away... It doesn't.

How do you explain to people that you feel things TEN times more amplified than the average human being?

I can't explain it... I can only reject it an hate it. My boyfriend once told me I have these gifts and I just got to channel them. What gifts??? I hate everything about me... because nothing I do or say or accomplish will be enough. I will never be enough. All I want to do is go home and say "Yes - I failed. I failed at the 'Real World.' I failed at the Army. I failed at Life."

I'm just so miserable and angry. The things I want in life seem so hard to reach because of all the things I'm not and will never be. Because I'm never going to be more than just some over-weight, flat chested, big ass girl who dropped out of community college and joined the army only to realize she's miserable and possibly die from her own intentions.

I think about it everyday - I try to put it in the back of my mind. But sometimes it seems so much easier. Wouldn't it be so much easier.. just to not... exist.

But then I think of my boyfriend - I can't do that to him because I love him so much it hurts. He deserves better than that. Sometimes he's all I need to get on with the day. He's all I need to think about to just maintain. Sometimes he's the perfect drug.

As for my parents - I just can't deal with them sometimes. I'm not even going home to visit when I leave Korea. I'm just gonna go straight to my next duty station. I hate going home on leave.

I'm thinking about disappearing this weekend and just getting away but I'm not sure. I can't really afford it. Sucks being poor. Not that's anything new. Been poor my whole life... so it is what it is.

It is.... What it is...

The Truth.