To sleep is to bring the darkness

I Will Never Know...

I will never know if you left me because I wasn't good enough...
I will never know if you left me because I was 10,000 miles away...
I will never know if you left me because I was raped...
I will never know if you left because my love wasn't good enough...
I will never know if you left because I was too fat...
I will never know...

Truth is...

It's killing me inside to know that I will never know.

Perhaps its for the best.

Find Me

When I was a young girl I used to see pleasure
When I was a young girl I used to drink ale
Out of the ale house, down into the jail house
My body salve-aided and hell is my doom

Come mama come papa and sit you down by me
Come sit you down by me and pity my case
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body salve-aided and hell is my doom

Please send for the preacher to come and pray for me
And send for the doctor to heal all my wounds
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body salve-aided and I'm bound to die

One morning, one morning, one morning in May,
I saw this young lady all wrapped in white linnen
All wrapped in white linnen
and called out "the plague"

9 Nov 2009

Today is just another Monday for so many people. But for me its the reminder of the day that changed my life forever.

In My Thoughts...

Today I received a phone call from my mother, telling me about the events of 5 Nov 2009. I am sure you all have read or seen what has happened on the news today at Ft. Hood, TX. Of course my heart sank out of my chest into my stomach because in all stupidity (and I hate myself for it) I thought about Dory. Then I obviously realized he is deployed but it scared me.. I don't know why but it scared me all afternoon.

Why should I be scared? Why should I allow myself to care for someone who doesn't obviously care for me?

It makes me miserable.

Even now.

One Evening

The Liar, The Cougar, and The Fallen....

Its absolutely amazing what you can learn within a week's time. I learned that Dory never left Wendy - or atleast thats what it looks like. I learned that Mike is dating his ex-married-platoon sergeant's wife. And I am just at a loss to all this knowledge. I mean - I've come to the point where the only person I can be mad at is myself. Why? Because I was a fool to believe that Dory would ever really want to come back to me... that and I didn't ask to see the divorce decree. I was a fool to think that Mike would really feel love for me. And I am a fool for even falling for either of those jerks. I just wished those two assholes who raped me would have just killed me off because now I've just become so numb to my own feelings and my own life.

Days.... Days...

I'm counting the days... 8 days...