Finding My Passion...

Is Learning To Let Go...

"Eyes are the portals to the soul... and I see your eyes... and you're soul is longing for more... and is weeping for the life you've failed to lead."

I'm slowly learning to have faith again.
In other people as much as myself. I heard a song just recently that really describes my situation:



A Little Is Enough by Angels and Airwaves

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough



I am dating someone new. He's been my savior. He says to me always "Some how... some way Jessica.. I'm going to be your miracle."

I need a miracle in my life. A savior from myself because I'm so self-destructive. I hate that about myself because I'm so... I dunno... I have this talent and I'm so wrapped up in the bullshit of life that someday its going to be something I'll regret and waste - and that something I don't want.

"Just Like Heaven" The Cure

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it and I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream...

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone
Alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

I miss you - but I'm moving on...

Believe it or not I miss you A LOT!!! But I must move on... Even you have said this to me...I love you so much. But its never gonna work because we are too much alike and yet so very different. However, there is always gonna be a place in my heart that will be reserved specifically for you. I know it and I feel it everyday.

Sometimes...

Sometimes Video's show whats really going on inside of us... this video does....

Moesta et errabunda

Grieving and Wandering

by Charles Bauledaire

Tell me, does your heart sometimes fly away, Agatha,

Far from the black ocean of the filthy city,

Toward another ocean where splendor glitters,

Blue, clear, profound, as is virginity?

Tell me, does your heart sometimes fly away, Agatha?
The sea, the boundless sea, consoles us for our toil!

What demon endowed the sea, that raucous singer,

Whose accompanist is the roaring wind,

With the sublime function of cradle-rocker?

The sea, the boundless sea, consoles us for our toil!
Take me away, carriage!

Carry me off, frigate! Far, far away!

Here the mud is made with our tears!

— Is it true that sometimes the sad heart of Agatha Says:

Far from crimes, from remorse, from sorrow,

Take me away, carriage, carry me off, frigate?
How far away you are, O perfumed Paradise,

Where under clear blue sky there's only love and joy,

Where all that one loves is worthy of love,

Where the heart is drowned in sheer enjoyment!

How far away you are, O perfumed Paradise!
But the green Paradise of childhood loves

The outings, the singing, the kisses, the bouquets,

The violins vibrating behind the hills,

And the evenings in the woods, with jugs of wine

— But the green Paradise of childhood loves,
That sinless Paradise, full of furtive pleasures,

Is it farther off now than India and China?

Can one call it back with plaintive cries,

And animate it still with a silvery voice,

That sinless Paradise full of furtive pleasures?

Picture

To Tony...

"Picture"

(feat. Sheryl Crow)

[Kid Rock]

Livin' my life in a slow hell

Different girl every night at the hotel

I ain't seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky

Wish I had a good girl to miss me

Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways I put your picture away

Sat down and cried today

I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can't look at you, while I'm lyin next to her

[Sherly Crow]

I called you last night in the hotel

Everyone knows but they wont tell

But their half hearted smiles tell me

Somethin' just ain't right I been waitin' on you for a long time

Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine

I ain't heard from you in 3 damn nights

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him

I put your picture away I wonder where you been

I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

[Kid Rock]

It was the same ole same "how have you been"

[Both]

Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey

[Kid Rock]

You reminded me of brighter days

[Sheryl Crow]

I hoped you were comin' home to stay I was headed to church

[Kid Rock]

I was off to drink you away

[Both]

I thought about you for a long time

Can't seem to get you off my mind I can't understand why we're living life this way

I found your picture today

I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home

I found your picture today

I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home

I just called to say,

I love you come back home

I knew you'd sleep with someone else.. but I'd hoped you'd slept with her when I wasnt so down in the dumps and well... when you were back in the states...

My Night in the Psych Ward...

Thursday I went and talked to the Chaplain. I told him everything I told my best friend Tony about whats going on with me.

He took me to see a doctor - in which - I went to Yongsan and spent the night in the Psych Ward. I felt awful about going down there - but then I met someone in there that really reminded me that it can happen to anyone. I met a Major in there - she was extremely nice. Basically - she was going through the same stuff I was going through. It was kinda like my "ah-ha" moment. You know that its okay to get help.

However, what makes me so mad! Was when my supervisor picked me up - what did he do... put me on a guilt trip for not calling him. After the chaplain told me he'd get ahold of everyone who needs to know whats going on.

My roommate is kinda looking after me this weekend - its okay I guess. I'm not going to do anything stupid. But I am going to an appointment on monday and I'm gonna ask them if they think I should even be in the military anymore. Because I really hate when I'm at right now. Or hell - even see if I need to go home on some sorta leave or anything.. I dunno.. its like I'm stuck between the rock and the hard place. And if my unit treats me any differently because of all this I am serious going to get a lawyer. This is crazy...

Am I crazy???

I talked to my dad earlier today and he pretty much said that normally people are dealing one of my three problems at a time... but with me... I got all of them thrown on my lap at once. And that God only puts only what we can handle on us.

Sometimes I think God forgot about me...

Dear God,

I'm sorry for whatever I did for you to forget about me.

But please help me... Help me get better.

Help me handle missing Tony. Help me handle missing home.

Help me get through this not having direction within my job.

Help me Let GO...

Just Hold me and Help me.

Love,

Jessica

Booze, Tattoos, and Guitars...

Although I had to work yesterday I got a little time off to go see him. He was just a few blocks getting a tattoo, after having a few drinks. He was just getting the color on his sleeve touched up. Its absolutely beautiful. His sleeve is inspired by Starry Night by Van Gogh.

Anyways - I finally gave him the guitar he wanted. Took me forever to find it - but I got it. He was kinda taken aback by it. But ya know...

We talked about a lot of stuff. I know he has slept with other girls since he's been with me. He admitted to one - so he could get his 'Tanker Boots.' But I can forgive him anything...

He also said that he wasn't "The One." And that maybe I don't love him.. that its just lust. But I know what Lust is... and what we have is love and true friendship.

But still its all I can do to keep from buying a pack of razors and slitting my wrists. I feel like this ticking time bomb... like at any moment could be THE moment. I plan on drinking today. My new roommate I'm forced to live with now will not be in our room. So... maybe it could happen then... or maybe not... who knows...