Dawn of a New Day

I'm sitting here at home, getting ready for work and the first thing on my mind is how is he doing today?

I think how blessed I am to be in a good relationship, have some what of a more tolerable job in which I can grow and expand. I've been hitting the gym more often these days. I'm just trying to get my mind right.

I had a talk with him the other day and I told him my thoughts and fears for the future. How I've always thought I'd die young, so on and so forth. Sometimes its really hard for me to express such thoughts because I think 'WHOA People are gonna think I'm ridiculously crazy.' No matter... It's a new day. I feel like a new chapter in my life is about to start and I'm very pleased with it.

Poetry...

Yeah I used to write A LOT.. but then my dreams were crushed so I moved on with life. However, I found this poem I wrote a long time ago and wanted to share it:


I think the world has changed me.
Or could it be the past?
I'm not sure if I should go home.
To tell you 'I'm gone."
To tell that my heartaches,
Because I weep, for all the things that are out of my reach.
But I'm still lost in the darkness, lost in the past.

Must I continue to wear this mask?
Hiding my sadness?
Let time run it's course?
Watch them fade away.
I don't want to let them go.
Say good-bye and forget them so...

That's not the way I am.
Even when they might be strangers,
Their still my friends.
If I could talk to you forever about my sadness...
But I'm scared you won't listen, to cry on your shoulder.
For you to hold me in your arms so I could be comforted.

Dreams... Illusions...

So if I can't..
I'll just cry my eyes, hide in the shadows.
(No body knows I run to the shadows.)
That's what I wanted you to know.

Just Because I love you...

Things you should know....

No matter how you look you're Sexy to me... My Vampire Boyfriend :D

No matter how angry I get with God... It was You an Angel that saved me...

glitter-graphics.com

No matter how hopeless I've felt - you've helped me rebelieve in that statement...

We both know how much this statement is true for both of us...

Music cures our souls... even when it doesn't seem to have a remedy..

No matter how many times we'll see one another - I'll always cry when I have to say good bye...

But no matter what I'll go anywhere you ask me to go....

Foolishness

Sitting here for the first time, in six months, in my parents home I have been reviewing some of my past entries. How foolish I was.... How VERY foolish I was. You know, I've gone through a lot of hell when it comes to relationships. I'm so very thankful to be in the most current one now. I think its kinda weird that the same guy who saved me, I met on the day I almost died.

I quit talking to Tony a month ago. I realized how toxic he was. How? Well as childish as it sounds I finally saw how shallow he was. He wouldn't approve my myspace comments and I realized 'Wow! I'm just some big fucking dirty secret you wanna keep from your "cool" friends.' Then once I confronted him, and he basically didn't deny it. I realized how foolish I was. And as time went on... I found out he wasn't going to Iraq.

Sick Fuck.

SICK SICK FUCK!!!!

Who lies about shit like that?? That would be like me lying about being raped. You see where I'm going with this????

How stupid could I have been? Just basically loved the things I did for him instead of me and I was just so sad, so lonely I fell for it.

However, Karma -atleast I hope- or God -I definately hope- has graced me with my miracle. Dory has been my miracle. Basically, putting a mirror in my face saying "Look you are a wonderful person - Fuck'em if they can't accept that!" or in the wise words of Franklin "Fuck Off."

So Tony all I got to say about everything you did to me and did to every girl in your life or perhaps ALL your life... FUCK OFF!!!


I'm sorry I just had to get all this off my chest. Because it hurts. It hurts that someone you thought you could trust could hurt you like that... could watch you die.


I have days before I have to go back to Korea. I don't want to go back. I hate it. But I'm only going back because well for one I have to but for the other reason is so I can finish my time there and be with the other half of my heart in Texas. I'm so madly in love with him. Its like for the first time its REAL.

REAL!!!

Not some bull shit.

And for the first time in my life I am happy and feel like I'm back in control of my life. I feel like I have so much to live for and do. I don't feel like I'm going to die without him. I feel like we are going to be okay when we are seperated; and even more in love when we are together.

Sometimes when I hear the sound of his voice I get weak in the knees. I remember the first time I saw him, I remember the first time I said hello and the first time I said goodbye.

All I have to say to him now is... I love you and You saved my life. You're the miracle I was looking for. The Angel embracing me.

Words for Comfort

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.


This morning I need a little comforting. I've spent the last week with my other half, Dory, now I am on my way to see my parents up in Tennessee. However, I'd rather stay here. I guess as you grow older you realize that your parents will always be around (atleast if not physically but spiritually) and to do what makes you really happy. He makes me really happy. And thats all that matters.

But still - once again we are about to embark on another time of seperation. Four months this time - but this is just seconds in the big picture of things. We mutually agree that during these bouts of seperation that we focus on ourselves and our careers - but still my mind lingers to the future and the possiblities of what is to come of us.

Sometimes I just have to humor myself - even though reality might kick in someday. I don't want it to.

These small amounts of time are just preparing us for the long year we'll be away from one another to come. I can honestly say I love him. Deep down with out hesitation. I think that scares him. It scares the shit out of me too. But - anything worth loving, worth having will always be scarey at first but in the end the best thing that ever happened.