SCREAMING

I hate the Army... Just gonna leave it at that.

In Reality... How Fair Would It Have Been...

Most of this weekend I have been babysitting my friend Tamera's son Brylan. We've played, watched T.V., I've fed him and rocked him to sleep. And even though I have been watching him here, at my parents, he clings to me as his protector and mother figure because he is so used to me. My folks kinda treat him like a grandchild, since I have no children of my own nor know if I can have children. However, what has haunted me the most has been all the broken promises my first love said to me.

"I want you to be the mother of my children..."

"When I think of someone to be the mother of my children it always comes back to you."

"I can't believe I'm falling back in love with you."

"Things haven't turned out like I planned."

"I'm sorry."

"I made vows."

"It's complicated."

"What would you do?"

Then he walked right back out of my life, just as causally as he walked into it. I really thought when he came back that it was meant to be. And as I watch this beautiful child, I realize that maybe I wasn't ready for all the glitz and glamour of motherhood. Not that I don't want to be a mom - I very much do. However, maybe since all these horrible things have happened over the last year and half that I am just not ready. And that possibly fate has decided I am to do something amazing before I commit to something so special and so fragile and so precious.

Doesn't mean that his "love", his beauty and his personality doesn't still haunt me.

Probably always will.

Did you say it?

"Did you say it?
i love you...
i don't ever want to live without you...
you changed my life...
did you say it?
make a plan...
set a goal...
work toward it...
but every now and again, look around...
drink it in.
cause this is it.
it might all be gone tomorrow"

Kinda Corny but I liked it.

You opened it, Good luck. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they love you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00 PM - 4:40 PM tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Tonight at midnight they will remember how much they loved you as well. You will get the shock of your life tomorrow, a good one. Get ready for the shock of your life, a good one. If you break the chain you will be cursed with relationship problems for the next 2 years. Karma. If there is someone you once loved (or still do) and can't get them out of your mind, repost this in another city within the next five minutes. It’s amazing how it works!
It is sad when people you know, become people you knew....
It is one of life's tragedies when you meet someone that you know is meant to be but due to unexpected circumstances and misunderstandings becomes someone you knew.
And when you can walk right past someone that at one time in your life was a big part of your life...
And how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life...
And now you can barely look at them and they at you...
And all you have left is that aching feeling in your soul...

Finality or Just Plain Scared...

Since November of 2008, I've often felt like this scared little girl. Lost, Alone, and just wanting to feel safe. I wish I could feel that complete and wholeness again, however, I know that part of my life is just dead. I will never be able to salvage it, only remember it, mourn it, and move on. That is the hard part, I'm still very much in the remembering process, I haven't really mourned it.

Choices... They are So Simple... It Hurts

Sense and Sensibility

When he was present she had no eyes for anyone else. Everything he did was right. Everything he said was clever. If their evenings at the Park were concluded with cards, he cheated himself and all the rest of the party to get her a good hand. If dancing formed the amusement of the night, they were partners for half the time; and when obliged to separate for a couple of dances, were careful to stand together, and scarcely spoke a word to anybody else. Such conduct made them, of course, most exceedingly laughed at; but ridicule could not shame, and seemed hardly to provoke them.
Sense and Sensibility
About Marianne and Willoughby, Chapter 11.

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.
Sense and Sensibility
Marianne, Chapter 12.

She felt the loss of Willoughby's character yet more heavily than she had felt the loss of his heart.
Sense and Sensibility
Marianne, Chapter 32.

Elinor Dashwood: Whatever his past actions, whatever his present course... at least you may be certain that he loved you.
Marianne: But not enough. Not enough.

The Love of Lies

The Love of Lies
Charles Baudelaire

When I see you pass by, my indolent darling,
To the sound of music that the ceiling deadens,
Pausing in your slow and harmonious movements,
Turning here and there the boredom of your gaze;

When I study, in the gaslight which colors it,
Your pale forehead, embellished with a morbid charm,
Where the torches of evening kindle a dawn,
And your eyes alluring as a portrait's,

I say within: "How fair she is! How strangely fresh!"
Huge, massive memory, royal, heavy tower,
Crowns her; her heart bruised like a peach
Is ripe like her body for a skillful lover.

Are you the autumn fruit with sovereign taste?
A funereal urn awaiting a few tears?
Perfume that makes one dream of distant oases?
A caressive pillow, a basket of flowers?

I know that there are eyes, most melancholy ones,
In which no precious secrets lie hidden;
Lovely cases without jewels, lockets without relics,
Emptier and deeper than you are, O Heavens!

But is it not enough that you are a semblance
To gladden a heart that flees from the truth?
What matter your obtuseness or your indifference?
Mask or ornament, hail! I adore your beauty.

Watching you drown.... I follow you down...

Lights in the Sky
by Trent Reznor

she's mostly gone
some other place
i'm getting by
in other ways
everything they whispered in our ear
is coming true
try to justify the things
i used to do
believe in you

watching you drown
i'll follow you down
and i am here right beside you
the lights in the sky
have finally arrived
i am staying right beside you

i tried to stay away
you know
just in case
i've come to realize
we all have our place
time has a way you know
to make it clear
i have my role in this
i can't disappear
or leave you here

watching you drown
i'll follow you down
and i am here right beside you
the lights in the sky
are waving goodbye
i am staying right beside you

Between Me, You and God

I am not a church going individual nor am I a believer of organized religion.. but I have faith and hope... and I have to say this prayer from time to time to get me through the hurt and anger I feel...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

What Do You Say??

"You tell them that our lives can change with every breath we take... and tell 'em to hold on like hell to what they've got: each other, and a mother who would die for them and almost did... You tell them we've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass it on." - Where the Heart Is

Dialogue

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Already Gone

Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Dating Advice from Your Lord and Master... Foamy

To Dory....

I'm pretty much speechless.

However, I guess the only place I know where to start is Saturday night and the dream I had.

First of all, allow me to say since I got assaulted I've had a very hard time sleeping. My dreams usually consist of blood or some horrifying images. But that night it was very different.

In my dream I was with my mother at my brother's grave, at the foot of his tombstone digging with a military shovel. In the dream my brother's grave was on my grandparent's old property, I remember I stopped digging when I saw a red car pull up into the drive way and a soldier in old WWII green fatigues get out of the vehicle and approach me. He asked me who I was and if I was in the military and presented me a small bracelet box and saluted me. As I opened the box I realized it was a memorial bracelet. It had Dory's name on it. I began frantically crying, and ran after the soldier and asked him if Dory was dead. The soldier said "Is there a 'Q' by the name?" and I said "Yes." The soldier replied "Then he's dead." And he left. I just cried and cried, and found myself walking through a garden then to a koi pond. Then I woke up.

Growing up I was always told that if you dream of someone dying then someone is going to get married.

People say dreams are just dreams but for me I believe they can be powerful. Especially after what Dory and I talked about on Tuesday.



This is just want I was to say to Dory:


They say if you really love someone the greatest thing you can ever do for them is let them go. This is me letting you go Dory. I know I sent a text message saying that it would be in my best interest to never speak to you again and that I hate and despise you and Wendy. The bottom line is I'm so heartbroken that the truth is, I love you more than you love me. That's okay. I need you to know that is okay. I need you to know that I have to let you go to survive. And if being with Wendy is what you want, what you heart really wants then so be it. I can't come between you and your love or your happiness.

But I don't hate you.

And the last thing I want to happen is you to go back to Iraq and not know that deep down inside my heart I never hated you, I was just so devastated. So torn to pieces inside because the way I see it, she's using you again, tricking you. But like I said - its your choice and your life, and your love. And no, just because something doesn't work out in my favor doesn't mean I don't think you don't deserve your happiness. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world. And I need you to know that, and I'm too chicken shit to call you and say all of this because more or less I'd be in tears.

But you have to understand where I'm coming from, because sometimes I don't think you know. I've been so scared of myself for so long and have had to my blood and guts on displace out to the world for months because of what happened the week you got married. Because I was so deeply hurt. No I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip, I just want you to see. I just want you to know. That whatever happens, speaking terms or no speaking terms... there will always be a girl out there who loved you more than you'll ever know. Who stood up to her family and friends, who flew from one country to another, who would go to hell if you asked it of her - out there.

There will always be a piece of you in my heart and soul. Harsh words or actions can never take that away. Now I've said my peace.

Always Yours
Jessica

The Kinda Love