Most of this weekend I have been babysitting my friend Tamera's son Brylan. We've played, watched T.V., I've fed him and rocked him to sleep. And even though I have been watching him here, at my parents, he clings to me as his protector and mother figure because he is so used to me. My folks kinda treat him like a grandchild, since I have no children of my own nor know if I can have children. However, what has haunted me the most has been all the broken promises my first love said to me.
"I want you to be the mother of my children..."
"When I think of someone to be the mother of my children it always comes back to you."
"I can't believe I'm falling back in love with you."
"Things haven't turned out like I planned."
"I'm sorry."
"I made vows."
"It's complicated."
"What would you do?"
Then he walked right back out of my life, just as causally as he walked into it. I really thought when he came back that it was meant to be. And as I watch this beautiful child, I realize that maybe I wasn't ready for all the glitz and glamour of motherhood. Not that I don't want to be a mom - I very much do. However, maybe since all these horrible things have happened over the last year and half that I am just not ready. And that possibly fate has decided I am to do something amazing before I commit to something so special and so fragile and so precious.
Doesn't mean that his "love", his beauty and his personality doesn't still haunt me.
Probably always will.
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