To Dory....

I'm pretty much speechless.

However, I guess the only place I know where to start is Saturday night and the dream I had.

First of all, allow me to say since I got assaulted I've had a very hard time sleeping. My dreams usually consist of blood or some horrifying images. But that night it was very different.

In my dream I was with my mother at my brother's grave, at the foot of his tombstone digging with a military shovel. In the dream my brother's grave was on my grandparent's old property, I remember I stopped digging when I saw a red car pull up into the drive way and a soldier in old WWII green fatigues get out of the vehicle and approach me. He asked me who I was and if I was in the military and presented me a small bracelet box and saluted me. As I opened the box I realized it was a memorial bracelet. It had Dory's name on it. I began frantically crying, and ran after the soldier and asked him if Dory was dead. The soldier said "Is there a 'Q' by the name?" and I said "Yes." The soldier replied "Then he's dead." And he left. I just cried and cried, and found myself walking through a garden then to a koi pond. Then I woke up.

Growing up I was always told that if you dream of someone dying then someone is going to get married.

People say dreams are just dreams but for me I believe they can be powerful. Especially after what Dory and I talked about on Tuesday.



This is just want I was to say to Dory:


They say if you really love someone the greatest thing you can ever do for them is let them go. This is me letting you go Dory. I know I sent a text message saying that it would be in my best interest to never speak to you again and that I hate and despise you and Wendy. The bottom line is I'm so heartbroken that the truth is, I love you more than you love me. That's okay. I need you to know that is okay. I need you to know that I have to let you go to survive. And if being with Wendy is what you want, what you heart really wants then so be it. I can't come between you and your love or your happiness.

But I don't hate you.

And the last thing I want to happen is you to go back to Iraq and not know that deep down inside my heart I never hated you, I was just so devastated. So torn to pieces inside because the way I see it, she's using you again, tricking you. But like I said - its your choice and your life, and your love. And no, just because something doesn't work out in my favor doesn't mean I don't think you don't deserve your happiness. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world. And I need you to know that, and I'm too chicken shit to call you and say all of this because more or less I'd be in tears.

But you have to understand where I'm coming from, because sometimes I don't think you know. I've been so scared of myself for so long and have had to my blood and guts on displace out to the world for months because of what happened the week you got married. Because I was so deeply hurt. No I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip, I just want you to see. I just want you to know. That whatever happens, speaking terms or no speaking terms... there will always be a girl out there who loved you more than you'll ever know. Who stood up to her family and friends, who flew from one country to another, who would go to hell if you asked it of her - out there.

There will always be a piece of you in my heart and soul. Harsh words or actions can never take that away. Now I've said my peace.

Always Yours
Jessica