In God's Hands

So we had a talk... it's in your hands God.

Cancer...

I never thought at 24 I would be in this situation but I will be having surgery soon to see if thats what the lump is, hopefully its just a cyst.. but who knows. And at the rate I'm going I wouldn't be surprised. I thought by this point in my life I would have a steady relationship and something accomplished in my life.. I have neither. So if its cancer - FUCKING TAKE ME. I'm done. People talk about a loving god and all this stuff... God doesn't love me - He's fucking abandoned me.

Things I've Lost

I lost my heart.

A Drowning

What More..

Alone... Have you ever felt so alone and lost that you judt wanted to sleep the rest of your life away? it hurts my heart the amount of bullshit I've been dealing with lately. From the buercacy of the Army to Mike starting his shit again to feeling like a fat loser that no one wants. It hurts so bad this pain I feel. This constant state of purgatory I live in. I can't even begin to start my healing or even looking forward to the future because I have to wait on everyone else. Because I have had to put my life in other peoples hands - the last time I did that... well... I was raped. Sometimes I wish I would have died that night - it would have saved myself and my family a lot of trouble. Because at the end of the day no one cares.

Fear....

Albert Camus:
Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.

Virginia Woolf:
The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

William Allen White:
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.” Unknown

Japenese proverb
Fear is only as deep as the mind allows

H. P. Lovecraft
The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.

"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time."
-Charlie Brown