Because I'll never be what people want me to be..

Sorry that I'm not 36 24 36 with tattoos and pierced nipples and tongue ring.

Sad thing is.. I used to be that girl. Now I'm just a fat, tattooed, and depressed girl.

I just want me life back and the sad thing is I'll never have it back. As long as I'm here I'm always going to be haunted by what people have done to me and how I am so much of a failure. Hell - no one ever leaves me comments of even bothers to read this damn journal I've kept over the last well almost two years.



And this is the girl I'm not... but I wish I was... I wish I wasn't the shell of a person I used to be nor an ugly fat girl I am now.

I always thought.. I'd be a mom...

"Simple Kind Of Life"

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

How Many Pills Does It Take.....

I can't sleep tonight... nothing new.
My mind keeps wandering to thoughts of him and hoping he is okay. Hoping that someday my life will be back to some sort of normality. I often feel like I'm locked in chains when it comes to love or anything I do in my life. That I'm being punished by god for some unknown reason. Did I not love god enough? Was I born to be some sort of tool to be tested? I was once told by someone who had literally seen the face of death (he was blown up and survived) that he had a great new love for life.

Now here I am... someone who has been thrown aside like a piece of trash almost all her life... and I'm just a sad and lonely old fool.

I want more than what I've been dealt.

You're No Good... Heartbreaker....

So all last night - even though HE broke up with me. He was all I could think about. Everytime a guy came up to me asking me to dance or wanting to talk - I just wanted it to be Mike.

Sorry guys... I can't help that I still wanna be with this guy who broke up with me almost a week and half after he told me he loved me. Yes - Ladies and Gents I have issues. I have LOTS of issues and it seems to stem from men who just play a brief role in my life.

I just want the Mike I fell for back.

I just want me life back. Before all this bad stuff happened.

Long Time NO BLOGG!!!!!!

Yes! I realize its been almost four months since my last post. But Ladies and Gents! I have been threw A LOT!

From moving to a new country - Well Back to the United States to dating an amazing guy who ends up being NOT so amazing to having to testify at a general court-martial. Its been an emotional roller coaster.

However, today I'm moved to a new unit in which I can focus on all my medical needs and all that jazz.

I have tons to say but I just don't know how to put it into text. Perhaps with time I can write it all down for you.

You'll Never Know How You Leaving Affected Me.

I often find myself after nights that are suppose to be joyous, laying in my bed the next morning thinking about how easy it would be just to not exist anymore. I live everyday with the mark of what has been done to me. A piece of my soul is missing, its a wound so large that it affects everything I do. I don't know how to hide it or repair it... to mend it so that it heals. Everyone keeps saying "Time." I know time is suppose to heal all wounds, however, this one is pretty large. And unfortunately, a physical wound would be easier to have then this burden, this cross I bare everyday. I wish I could trade places with someone - anyone. Sad thing is I still think about you. And the promise I made. I usually keep my promises... I know you never did and probably will never be able to keep such promises not only to anyone else but yourself. I get so angry with you - so much anger that I hate you. Ironically enough I still love you.

When I hear things like "4 soldiers killed by suicide bomber." I still worry and hope you're safe.

I don't think I can ever forgive you for leaving me. Especially how you left me. I wish you could have been more honest with me, but most of all honest with yourself.

Sometimes I blame you for what happened that week. Mostly I blame myself for loving you so much to allow you to affect me so deeply. Why do we as humans allow this thing, this chemical reaction in our heads called love break us down so much?

You'll never know how you leaving affected me....

You'll never know how it felt to be violated like that...

You'll never know how it broke my heart...

You'll never know how I wake up everyday hoping that maybe today the pain will end...

You'll never know about the doctor's appointments, the legal appointments, the possible flight back to South East Asia...

You'll never know how I cry so hard sometimes I can't breathe...

You'll never know about the trauma...

You'll never know how I wish someone would just hold me so I can feel safe...

You'll never know how I don't feel safe anymore... No matter where I'm at...

You'll never know how I blame you as if you were in the room and did nothing to stop them...

You'll never know how you marrying her affected me...

You'll never know how she tries to contact me because she believes we should all be friends...

You'll never know how that makes me want to slit my wrist...

You'll never know how I want to address my suicide note to you..

You'll never know how you leaving affected me.

He's Just Not That Into You

Have you really not noticed, then, that here of all places, in this private,
personal solitude that surrounds me, I have turned to you? All the memories of
my youth speak to me as I walk, just as the sea shells crunch under my feet on the
beach. The crash of every wave awakens far-distant reverberations within me.

I hear the rumble of bygone days, and in my mind the whole endless series of old
passions surges forward like the billows. I remember my spasms, my sorrows, gusts
of desire that whistled like wind in the rigging, and vast vague longings that
swirled in the dark like a flock of wild gulls in a storm cloud.

On whom should I lean, if not on you? My weary mind turns for refreshment to
the thought of you as a dusty traveler might sink onto a soft and grassy bank.

- Gustave Flaubert, French writer -