"I'm Going Back To Iraq..."

That is the text message I get just before I was about to go to bed. First thing I did was call him back.

"When?"

He could barely get an Hello out before I asked him this as he answers. Then he laughs that little nervous laugh he gets sometimes and says "Probably within two months of going to Japan."

I thought he wouldn't have to go back again. Why should someone have to go twice?

Its not fair. I would gladly take his place if God would let me.

God.

I'm not real happy with God right now. He's probably not happy with me either. Sometimes I wish I could sit down to coffee with him and just look him dead in the eyes and ask WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? But that would be too easy and there is not easy answer to that question. Because people ask me that question everyday.

Are you alright?

Deep down I wanna answer - No I'm not the fuck Alright.. I have to deal with you assholes ALL THE TIME and I gave up my life to do this. So here I am a year later and 25lbs heavier and I'm miserable. I'm maddly in love with a guy who is so scared of that love that I'll probably never hear from him again (atleast thats my fear) and on top of that he's going BACK to Iraq. So Fuck YOU - Fuck Your War... Fuck The State of The World As It Stands... It shouldn't have to be this way!!!!

But thats not my answer....

My answer is....

"I'm just fine - why'd you ask?"

or

"I'm okay."

I'm not okay....

The One

The One he says.... he said that I told him he was The One...

Do I mean it?

Yes.

I mean it so much it scares the crap out of me and there is nothing in the world that I can do about it.

So much more ...

I have so much more to write and say... I'm hoping that by writing it will help me feel better - mentally...

Sometimes I feel like a complete wreck.. You know the type that its so horrific that you can't help but watch?

I found this place on YouTube... I'm really interested in taking my photographs and collages.. and other types of artisty things that I do and making it into a video.

I have a program on my laptop that helps you take your photographs and make music videos or whatever you want with them.

My stomach is still hurting from my little episode last night... Sometimes I'm just so scared of myself. Scared of who I am... what I'm becoming... or what I've already became.

My college English Professor would be pissed if he saw all these choppy, broken up sentences.. but its kinda like these are my thoughts... so thats why I'm writing like this.

I'm rather curious if anyone will read this... let alone reply... I hope someone does... I have to hang on to that ... Hope.

I dont know...

"I don't know..."

Thats the only response I can give.

Last night I drank two bottles of wine by myself....self - destructing... thats what someone has called it. My two best friends - who are back in the states - barely know whats going on. I have a friend here but he is leaving next Tuesday to go on leave. Last night he spent some time with me...

"I don't know...."

I had just finished a bottle of wine when he came over. Then as we sat in my room I finished another... and thats all I remember.

"I don't know...."

I woke up this morning in my robe, naked underneath. My friend and I are intimate , so I completely trust him, so even if we had sex... I'm fine with it. But I don't think we did. I remember his face, I remember his shirt off... I remember holding him... I remember crying... I remember crying REALLY hard.... because he's leaving. I remember he told me he had told his parents about me finally. I know I love him. I remember being in my robe, standing infront of the mirror, he came up behind me and hugged me as I cried... cried like I've never cried before... he kissed my neck... and then he was gone.......

I woke up in my bed with a blanket over me. I don't know if he tucked me in or not... I'd rather not know...

Today, I'm at work... I feel awful because I have a hangover... not the headache kind either.. its the nausea kind. I haven't thrown up yet.. but I bet I'd feel better if I did.

"What you don't know..."

If I could write a letter to him right now it would state:

I love you... I'm so sorry that I've put you through this. Please.. will you ever forgive me?

The night of your last big party.... after I'd taken you to my room and put you to bed... I tried to slit my wrists... Was that what I told you that drunken Sunday? What did I say?

What did I say???

No matter now... I'm writing this letter because I'll forgive you for leaving me...

leaving my heart and soul behind.

You did nothing wrong...So when you get this...

Know I love you and wish you the best in all that is to come...

Love Always

Your

Jessica