I dont know...

"I don't know..."

Thats the only response I can give.

Last night I drank two bottles of wine by myself....self - destructing... thats what someone has called it. My two best friends - who are back in the states - barely know whats going on. I have a friend here but he is leaving next Tuesday to go on leave. Last night he spent some time with me...

"I don't know...."

I had just finished a bottle of wine when he came over. Then as we sat in my room I finished another... and thats all I remember.

"I don't know...."

I woke up this morning in my robe, naked underneath. My friend and I are intimate , so I completely trust him, so even if we had sex... I'm fine with it. But I don't think we did. I remember his face, I remember his shirt off... I remember holding him... I remember crying... I remember crying REALLY hard.... because he's leaving. I remember he told me he had told his parents about me finally. I know I love him. I remember being in my robe, standing infront of the mirror, he came up behind me and hugged me as I cried... cried like I've never cried before... he kissed my neck... and then he was gone.......

I woke up in my bed with a blanket over me. I don't know if he tucked me in or not... I'd rather not know...

Today, I'm at work... I feel awful because I have a hangover... not the headache kind either.. its the nausea kind. I haven't thrown up yet.. but I bet I'd feel better if I did.

"What you don't know..."

If I could write a letter to him right now it would state:

I love you... I'm so sorry that I've put you through this. Please.. will you ever forgive me?

The night of your last big party.... after I'd taken you to my room and put you to bed... I tried to slit my wrists... Was that what I told you that drunken Sunday? What did I say?

What did I say???

No matter now... I'm writing this letter because I'll forgive you for leaving me...

leaving my heart and soul behind.

You did nothing wrong...So when you get this...

Know I love you and wish you the best in all that is to come...

Love Always

Your

Jessica