The ending at the beginning?

White Hinterland - Icarus
Let the sun rain down on me
'Til covered in dew
All pink and new and reborn
Cut past the grey and countless forms
Condemned to be killed or be conquered.

Slender as a carp you are
Your skin defiantly silver and so sure
As for me, I am not so sure
I watch you skate like a knife
Beneath the water

Though I can see clearly what's ahead of me
I cannot stop it once I'm set a-spinning
What can it mean, why must I always see
The ending at the beginning?

Together going arm and arm
To meet our solitude, to meet it head on
I'll meet you where the water's warm
To meet my solitude, to meet it head on

Though I can see clearly ahead of me
I cannot stop it once I'm set a-spinning
What can it mean? Why must I always see
The ending at the beginning?

Not doing too good today...

Seems like an on going pattern with me. I spoke with the lawyer today about getting something arranged. Wasn't really happy about it. Made me feel lost, dirty, alone, useless, not right, shameful... a huge list long of things basically hating myself. I do that alot because I'm tired of being sorry for everything. Being blamed for everything... for never feeling safe.

Events and Lack of Dating...

Oh lord... Here I go talking about my failed love life. Yes, I know all you readers out there are like "What the fuck? You've been gone a whole month and now you're talking about your failed love life... again!" First, let me explain about the extended abscene - my computer died. Second, nothing horrible has happened in my love life... Whose-it-What's-it Moved to Spain and I really haven't dated since him. Which is good I guess... I'm trying to get used to new meds the doc has me on... and the cutting my cafine intake in half... and NOT drinking.... and trying to lose weight... Lord Help us... I might go even more crazy.

However, I did notice something while I was away - people actually read this blog and that makes me happy. I know, I know.. me happy? Well, maybe that isn't the right thing to say -it's just I'm glad someone is listening and I'm glad someone can relate.

Love you all and wish you great blessings... I'll keep on truckin' with my rants and stuff. THANKS!!!

Silent Causalty of a Hidden War

I have spent the last two years trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done to change the events of November 9, 2008 and even the beginnings and endings of my military career. It saddens me that even today with all this talk about taking care of the troops and our wounded warriors, that I am forgotten and many men and women like me are forgotten because our wounds didn't come from an enemy with a foriegn agenda or a religious cause....our wounds came from our own, the same people we were suppose to protect - each other. I still carry with me a lot of angry and bitterness. A lot of hurt and pain. I have yet to figure out what to do with all of it. I just wake up every morning hoping today will be better. But for all of you out there... all of you just like me... I remember you and I say a prayer and burn a candle and hope that justice will be served, peace will be made and hope will go on.

2 years...

It gets better a little bit at a time.

Waiting on a Friend..

When is it time to date again???

8. When You're Capable of Trusting Again
7. When You're Truly Emotionally Available
6. When You Can Go Out Alone and Have Fun
5. When You're Happy Being on Your Own
4. When You've Left the "Ghost of Relationships Past" in the Past
3. When You've Let Go of Your Anger
2. When You Realize That You Are Not Guilty
1. When You Have Recovered From Your Grief




....I'm fucking doomed.....

What I'll Miss...

I'll miss kissing you the most.

Things I Can't Do Anymore...

I can't lie to myself - if something is wrong.. its wrong!

It still hurts

"Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life - and travel - leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks - on your body or on your heart - are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt."...Anthony Bourdain

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Hero

This man is my hero - Anthony Bourdain.

I recently watched a show that documented his life as an up-and-coming writer and you know what - it inspired me to write again. I'm not going to sit here and say "OH my god - I'm gonna post all my writings right here and start a new." Fuck that! I'm going to start writing again but on my own terms. Anthony writes like he talks - so do I! I may post something here from time to time as usual but I really want to sit down and write down my thoughts and ideas again. Now that I'm back off to college and the real world I will be allowed to do so. Without being controlled.

I've done 8 out of the 10... I'm still Single.. Have been for over a year and some change.

10 things all single people must do
By Amy Spencer

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5785&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=686133

Here, we offer a checklist of experiences for single people to try before settling down.

1. Travel alone. Whether you’re trying to find your way through the Paris Metro or the London Underground, haggling over a painting in Mexico or choosing where to bed down in the Badlands, traveling by yourself builds a confidence you simply can’t get any other way. In an unfamiliar place, you have to make decisions by yourself, for yourself every day, which will build a self-reliance you’ll always treasure — even when you become part of a twosome.

2. Wallow in the ache of a broken heart. Oh, the pain. The agony. The pints of Ben & Jerry’s in front of the cable TV. Yep, getting dumped is beyond awful, but guess what? It’s the only way that you’ll develop the empathy you’ll need to be a better partner in a relationship. Because if you’re sensitive to the grief someone else has caused you, you’re less likely to do the same to anyone else. So, consider this painful milestone a lesson in karma that’ll serve you well as you travel through your dating days.

3. Spend a weekend with a married couple your age. On lonely nights, it’s common for single folk to envision marriage as a cozy scene from a classic film or mail-order catalog. But by spending 48 hours with a real couple, you’ll learn that in between the snuggling and pet names comes growling, bickering, silent treatments and maybe even a slammed door or two before they ultimately compromise. It will show you what married life is like, warts and all, so you won’t over-idealize the two-becomes-one phenomenon again.

4. Don’t come home all night. That’s right, wild thing. Crash on a friend’s couch, take your friends up on that offer of a last-minute trip… Once you have a mate, you can’t just take off on your own without explanation. And, truthfully, you won’t want to. So if you don’t have someone you have to call and check in with every few hours, take this opportunity to check out!

5. Stand up for a cause you care about. Whether you volunteer to help register voters for the next election (why not start early?) or convince your neighborhood or apartment complex to start recycling, get fired up over an issue while you have the time to devote to it. It will remind you that while, yes, finding your soul mate is pretty important, there are other issues at stake in the world that could use your help. And besides, the big-heartedness you’ll be cultivating is very attractive.

6. Have a real adventure. Learn to fly a plane, surf some big waves, or start your own business. Give yourself a thrill by doing something just for you, just for the experience — without having someone at home worrying about you or nagging you not to. Oh, and one more gift with purchase: Think about how much fun you’ll have telling your next date about your daring experience.

7. Learn how to take care of yourself. Being solo shouldn’t keep you from cooking for yourself, so learn how to make an impressive meal for one (even if it’s mac and cheese with your own added favorite extra thrown in). While you’re at it, learn how to back up your hard drive and sew on replacement buttons. You’ll feel strong and self-sufficient — and you’ll be armed with skills to share when you are in a relationship.

8. Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it. Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll start thinking about your partner before you purchase pricey items — not just “Will he or she hate it?” but “Is this where I want to be putting my money if we’re saving for a wedding?” The single life means a single bank account and an excuse to blow a wad of cash without (some of the) guilt. So, make yourself happy and buy something you crave, whether it’s an expensive vintage movie poster or a decked-out mountain bike.

9. Develop a hobby. Learn to woodwork, play acoustic guitar, speak French, DJ on turntables, or make digital short films for fun. Of course you can (and should) still have hobbies when you’re dating someone, but your solo time is prime time to devote yourself to something that makes life more interesting for you — and makes you more interesting to others.

10. Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months. Hopping wildly from one relationship to the next can do you a disservice. Why? Because you’re never more ripe for self-reflection than when you’re on your own — and the more you know yourself, the more likely you are to find someone who’s right for the real you.

How Far...

Body, Remember by Constantine P Cavafy
Body, remember not only how much you were loved
not only the beds you lay on.
but also those desires glowing openly
in eyes that looked at you,
trembling for you in voices-
only some chance obstacle frustrated them.
Now that it's all finally in the past,
it seems almost as if you gave yourself
to those desires too-how they glowed,
remember, in eyes that looked at you,
remember, body, how they trembled for you in those voices.

The Voice Of Seduction
by Mark Acciard
It was another lonely evening
In another lonely bar
When across the crowded gathering
I see, there you are
Intoxicating beauty and grace and poise
Seemingly unaffected by the crowd and the noise
I watched you deflect suitors by the dozen
Hovering about and stalking you like a coven
I sat and we talked and I no longer had a choice
Uncommon beauty and a lively intelligence
A rare combination beneath such a lovely countenance
And, oh lord, such an exquisite voice
Low and breathy, full of promise
The voice of seduction
Eroticism, witticism, full of compassion
A voice that prompts thoughts of
Nights of wild abandon
Of full moons.... Above warm tropical rains
Of long moonlit walks on the sands
Of fine wines and candlelit dinners
Of mountain log cabins with crackling fires
Of romantic destinations, nights filled by sighs
A woman whose conversation is an event
Intelligent, inventive, romantic, and heaven-sent
Knowledgeable about so many subjects
With a voice that entrances sweet and direct
A woman's maturity and a little girl's innocence
Simple naivete and seductive temptress
A complex woman without a doubt
A siren perhaps, singing to tout
Chivalry, sensitivity, and romance
Qualities begging for enhancement
In men the world over
Therefore the key to this maiden of myth
Is to make sure that she is never bereft
Of the qualities she so richly deserves
Do this to ensure that her love will be preserved.


To Q from J...

Sealed with a Kiss

“We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine.”
Eduardo Galeano

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"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
Ingrid Bergman

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"What lies lurk in kisses."
Heinrich Heine

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"Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases." Chinese Proverb

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"[T]hen I did the simplest thing in the world. I leaned down... and kissed him. And the world cracked open."
Agnes de Mille

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"A kiss seals two souls for a moment in time."
Levende Waters

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"Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can't hold back."
Author Unknown

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"Her lips on his could tell him better than all her stumbling words."
Margaret Mitchell

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"Kiss: love professed through lips."
Scarlett Bene

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"Ancient lovers believed a kiss would literally unite their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried in one's breath."
Eve Glicksman

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"I told him I was nervous... Then he said 'Don't be.' And passionately kissed me. Thats when I knew I was in trouble."
Me

That Boy only lives in fairy tales

"I was alwaysthat boy. In my world, I was already a man. I wasn't looking for love - no, I was far too eager to be a solider for that; I thought of nothing but the idealized glory of the war they were selling prospective draftees then - but if I had found...I was going to say if I had found someone, but that won't do. If I had found you, there isn't a doubt in my mind how I would have proceeded. I was that boy, who would have - as soon as I discovered that you were what I was looking for - gotten down on one knee and endeavored to secure your hand. I would have wanted you for eternity, even when the word didn't have quite the same connotations."

-Edward Cullen, Eclipse.

Letting It Go

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
-- Author Unknown

11 Dating Mantras to Live By

by Erin Meanley, Single-ish, Glamour Magazine, on Thu Jun 3, 2010 12:47pm PDT

Yesterday, my Glamour.com editor suggested I write a list of dating mantras. I agreed, but let’s be honest, I had to look up the word mantra. The O.A.D. says it’s a Hindu or Buddhist devotional invocation. Wikipedia says a mantra is used to create spiritual transformation. So I’m not going to give you a bunch of dating rules or mottos (e.g. “I will respect myself”). Today we are talking mantras.

What would I chant to myself in order to feel happy, healthy, cleansed, centered? Hopefully the mantras I put together below will help give you peace and allow you to put dating in perspective. Because judging from yesterday’s comments, I think a lot of us need some mantras right quick! Right?


1. I can’t control his behavior; I can only control my reaction to it.
So he’s not answering his phone and you don’t know where he is. You cannot put a LoJack on this person and make him answer to you. Nor can you make anyone care for you or love you. You can, however, refrain from leaving 4 consecutive psychotic or mean-spirited voicemails. Take a deep breath, say this mantra, and go for a walk. Once you realize his actions are out of your control, you won’t stress so much and you’ll feel slightly better.

2. I am a human being worthy of love.
Damn straight.

Related: 15 Love Rules for Single Women

3. Everyone is responsible for guarding his or her own heart.
This does not mean, “Put up a wall.” It means, “Be realistic.” You do not know the future. If you make a wedding scrapbook like Andie Anderson did in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, well, that was all you. To me, guarding your heart means keeping expectations in check, being responsible for your own behavior, not making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior, and understanding that things don’t always go your way. They can’t—that would be in a perfect world. And if someone is obsessed with you, use this mantra so you won’t worry so much about letting him down. He shouldn’t have made that scrapbook of your future children.

4. Big picture, big picture.
Stop sweating the small stuff and go back to sleep.

5. I’m lucky to be alive.
Had to sneak this one in—this list was getting depressing! But basically, when you’re feeling down about a guy, it’s good to remember how fortunate you truly are.

6. Life never ceases to surprise me.
When someone dumps me or my favorite couple files for divorce, I can either freak out and say, “But I don’t get it!” or I can say, “Life always surprises me”—and pretend I'm all world-weary and like I already knew the drama was coming. This helps me to accept reality, not fight it.

Related: 7 Sneaky Ways to Tell What a Guy Will Be Like in Bed

7. It’s okay to be sad.
It’s a valid feeling. It’s okay to go there, so give yourself permission! You won’t die from sadness. Mourn that relationship and then get back out there and be happy again.

8. I’m taking it one day at a time.
Years ago, when a serious boyfriend broke up with me, my gal pal Melissa told me to take it day by day. She also told me to ask myself every morning, “Can I be happy today?” So I did, and I always answered yes.

9. This too shall pass.
It’s impossible to feel bad permanently.

10. Everything will work out in the end.
Do I know this for a fact? No. Things could turn out horribly. But when I’m 80 years old and possibly miserable, I could say this mantra, and at 82, find a hottie at the seniors’ center and things will have once again worked out “in the end.” Who knows when the end is? But telling myself this makes me feel less anxious about the future.

11. Serenity now!
Great Seinfeld line.

How far can this go...

We are so ridiculous its not even funny. We're scared but yet we have a wonderful time together... you make me so damn nervous but I can't help but not think of you. I'm sure your trip to Spain could just be the beginning.

In God's Hands

So we had a talk... it's in your hands God.

Cancer...

I never thought at 24 I would be in this situation but I will be having surgery soon to see if thats what the lump is, hopefully its just a cyst.. but who knows. And at the rate I'm going I wouldn't be surprised. I thought by this point in my life I would have a steady relationship and something accomplished in my life.. I have neither. So if its cancer - FUCKING TAKE ME. I'm done. People talk about a loving god and all this stuff... God doesn't love me - He's fucking abandoned me.

Things I've Lost

I lost my heart.

A Drowning

What More..

Alone... Have you ever felt so alone and lost that you judt wanted to sleep the rest of your life away? it hurts my heart the amount of bullshit I've been dealing with lately. From the buercacy of the Army to Mike starting his shit again to feeling like a fat loser that no one wants. It hurts so bad this pain I feel. This constant state of purgatory I live in. I can't even begin to start my healing or even looking forward to the future because I have to wait on everyone else. Because I have had to put my life in other peoples hands - the last time I did that... well... I was raped. Sometimes I wish I would have died that night - it would have saved myself and my family a lot of trouble. Because at the end of the day no one cares.

Fear....

Albert Camus:
Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear.

Virginia Woolf:
The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

William Allen White:
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

“Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.” Unknown

Japenese proverb
Fear is only as deep as the mind allows

H. P. Lovecraft
The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.

"I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time."
-Charlie Brown

A Moment

There is a moment... when a look or a touch fills a lifetime of want and need. There is a moment... that changes all the bad to good and all the good to bad. There is a moment... when my blood can run ice cold or my cheeks flush warm with just a glance at you. There is a moment... in your heart when you know. You know that you are better off alone. Living in a just the thoughts of your mind - questioning your own sanity or perhaps your own smarts. But there is always a moment when love conquers hate and there will always be a moment in our photographs where I felt truly in love with you.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I think about you. How our lives could have been so different based on choices - we both made. You chose to marry someone else, I chose to trust the wrong person. And what it could have been like had we had not made those choices and just loved eachother.

I have discovered it's going to be a long time before I'm over you.

Because I'll always love you - I still love you.

Sad thing is I forgive you - but somehow I have to let you go.

Does it?

"If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched." Tyler, Remember Me

Remember Me

This movie really touched me and really reminded me a lot about my own life. Reminded me of my Brother, Jason. I've really missed him alot lately.

I was 22.

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Everyone else's lives is falling into place.. I just want to jump off a bridge and die.. perhaps I will.

Southern Boy, I love you from a far.

I think you're beautiful but I doubt you feel the same.

I'm drowning

I can't breathe...
I can't see...
Am I dying?
Wake up you fool?
Your suicide could be botched if you wake up...

Damned

"I always wanted to help people - even if I'm damned reguardless."

The Acceptance in Picking Up The Pieces YOU Broke

I wonder, do we all know where we belong? And if we do, in our hearts, why do we so often do nothing about it? There must be more to this life, a purpose for us all, a place to belong. You were my home. I knew from the moment I met you, that night, so many years ago.
-Beyond Borders

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
~From a headstone in Ireland

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.
~Author Unknown

I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.

-Edward Cullen, New Moon

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.
-Bella Swan, New Moon

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk.
-Bella Swan, New Moon

It didn’t feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I’d grown strong enough to bear it.
-Bella Swan, New Moon

thoughts

"There is no knight in shining armor, there is no white stallion. There is only heartbreak and pain, and, amidst it all, somewhere, a rainbow." --Unknown"Finally those you love are simply... those you love." --LestatThe greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist.--Charles Baudelaire As far as I knew white women were never lonely, except in books. White men adored them, Black men desired them and Black women worked for them. --Maya Angelou Courage is grace under pressure. --Ernest Hemingway Take me, I am the drug; take me, I am hallucinogenic.--Salvador Dali
Sex is the last refuge of the miserable.
--Quentin Crisp
Loss leaves us empty - but learn not to close your heart and mind in grief. Allow life to replenish you. When sorrow comes it seems impossible - but new joys wait to fill the void.
--Pam Brown
We have resolved to endure the unendurable and suffer what is insufferable.
--Hirohito
Unselfishly, you left your fathers and your mothers,
You left behind your sisters and your brothers.
Leaving your beloved children and wives,
You put on hold, your dreams
-Anon., In Your Honor

Picture perfect memories

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cuz I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stopping looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk
and I need you now.
Well I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Persephone

In Greek Mythology, Persephone is the goddess of spring. According to her story, she was abducted, raped and taken to the underworld by Hades, the lord of the underworld. When her mother, Demeter, found out what had happened to Persephone, she convinced Zeus to force Hades to release her. Before Persephone could leave, Hades made her eat a pomegranate, which meant that she would have to return to the underworld for one-third of the year. According to the legend, the time Persephone spends in the underworld is the time in which there is winter on the earth. Because Persephone made it out of the underworld, she can be called the first survivor.

I hope I can survive.

I Can Still Taste The Blood In My Mouth....

It's been 432 days....

I wish I could..

I wish I could find it deep down in my broken heart to forgive you.

I was suppose to come see you come home from Iraq.
I thought the month of January 2010 would be the best month of my life. Having the one person I've truly ever loved back in my life, safe again.

But, no.. it doesn't happen for me this way.

You know what happens?

I get accused of sleeping with your "best friend" Brian Divine - WHICH NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!

I get told how much of a lying-manipulative bitch your ex-wife or now wife or what the fuck Wendy Graham is to you.

I get told that you want me to be the mother of your children, and millions more lies.

Yes, I'm bitter and angry and sad and depressed and crazy and suicidal and miserable and happy you're gone and sad that we're apart but you know what it all boils down to is that you're not the man I fell in love with. Because, like I've said since August.. If you loved me - truly loved me Heaven and Hell couldn't stop you from being with me right now, by my side until the end of time. However, you've chosen your path and I've chosen mine. And soon enough I will not be constantly surrounded by hopeless, sad, miserable reminders of you or the life I've failed at leading. I will be able to close this chapter of my life.


I wish I could forgive you - but with time I will forgive you and just pity the sad person you've become. I'm just tired of blaming myself for us. For blaming myself for everything that happened. You need to carry some of the blame and guilt. However, for now I'll carry it all and slowly push your actions and consequences onto you.

Perhaps, time will heal all my wounds but for now they are still fresh gaping tears in my flesh.

Kiss me with that Country Mouth so Plain...

Mad World

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYfD3My_T6w