Cross Roads...

Where am I going to go from here????

No New Messages

It's 1 AM here and I just finished the 3rd installment of the Twilight Saga. Yeah - I know a lot of people are like "That's so lame...stupid shiny vampires" blah - blah - blah. Yeah I get it. However, to get to my point I have to add that small piece of info into this entry. I am going to act as if ya'll are dumb to the series and just start by saying this... Bella has chosen to marry Edward become a vamp... blah blah blah.. And had to break her friendship/love off with Jacob, the werewolf. At the end of the book, it gives Jacob's point of view and how he just wants to run away and be alone. For some reason, this triggered a memory in me I haven't thought about in quite some time. The Memory of Forgiveness.

When I was a freshmen in high school, I was in JROTC. I had this huge crush on this boy named Cameron and to my lack of confidence in myself he had said yes to going to the military ball with me as my date. I was sure that we were going to eventually become boyfriend and girlfriend. I was also sure that there was a high chance involved that I might lose my virginity to this guy. I was very passionate about him. But to my dismay, the night of the ball was a disaster. That night I wore a beautiful dark blood red empire waist dress and he wore this awful black with green tux. I guess, that was just a small thing - right? Not really it was the preview of what was to come later on that night. I was pretty much happy, even with the miscommunication on color coordination (hey, what can you do - sometimes guys just don't get it.) Until, I was informed his ex-girlfriend was there. To make a long story shorter - by the time I realized he was missing for most of the rest of the evening, and made it to the lobby of the hotel the dance was being held. I saw that his ex-girlfriend was sitting comfortably on his lap. I didn't need an explanation of that - it was pretty clear. It broke my heart and I was very hurt for a long time. I remember comparing it to what my mother had gone through just a few years prior when my dad had cheated on her. It was just a pain I never thought I would endure again - let alone know so well.

Years would go by, and in the summer of 2006 I was losing weight to join the Army and at the time I had a myspace and for some reason I decided to look Cameron up. It wasn't until tonight that I realized it was an act of forgiveness. I was forgiving him for that night so many, many years ago.

I guess the subject of forgiveness has been on my mind lately, with the holidays and all. I have had someone on my mind that I wish would just go away, but you can't help who you love. Lately, it seems every where I look there is something that reminds me of him, but nothing that can make me forgive him for everything that has happened - whether set into motion by his actions or the hurtful things he actually did himself. Perhaps, it will take many, many years for me to reach the point to where I can honestly say 'I forgive you' or even perform an act of forgiveness. I hope someday I can report back to this and say "You know, even though I wasted a lot of time and effort and love on this man, I can honestly say I forgive him."

But Today - Is not that Day and I have 'No New Messages.'

Where ever you are...

I hope you have a blessed Christmas...You're all I've thought about today.

"I Never Came"
Queens of the Stone Age

When you say it's dead & gone
I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I d'ont mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came....

The Missing Piece...

I miss you...
I hate you...
I miss you...
I love you...
I miss you...
I want to know you're alright...
I miss you...
I want you out of my life...
I miss you...
I can't get you out of my head...
I miss you...
I can't get you out of my heart...
I miss you...
But I'm in pieces because you've torn me apart...
Most of all... I miss you... and I just want my heart back.

Hair Dye Ranger Lead The Way

It's AMAZING how little things can change you. I dyed my hair darker - auburn to be exact. I guess, it's my hopeless attempt to erase my past, to look forward to the present and try not to suffer the future. I met a really cool guy that I've become friends with - he's a ranger here on TDY from Ft. Benning. Or as my favorite NCO likes to say "He's just a Rakkasan with money - it's great!" Yeah but he isn't a complete asshole like most of the Rakkasans are. Ranger's put those 3BCT assholes in there place... it was wonderful seeing the Rakkasan's hang there head in shame seeing my Rangers! :D

Yeah I'm a little bitter, angry, and disgusted. Probably will be for a long time... but atleast I'm trying to get help - unlike some PEOPLE.. no names being inserted here. He knows who he is.

I hope you can live with yourself.

To sleep is to bring the darkness

I Will Never Know...

I will never know if you left me because I wasn't good enough...
I will never know if you left me because I was 10,000 miles away...
I will never know if you left me because I was raped...
I will never know if you left because my love wasn't good enough...
I will never know if you left because I was too fat...
I will never know...

Truth is...

It's killing me inside to know that I will never know.

Perhaps its for the best.

Find Me

When I was a young girl I used to see pleasure
When I was a young girl I used to drink ale
Out of the ale house, down into the jail house
My body salve-aided and hell is my doom

Come mama come papa and sit you down by me
Come sit you down by me and pity my case
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body salve-aided and hell is my doom

Please send for the preacher to come and pray for me
And send for the doctor to heal all my wounds
My poor head is aching my sad heart is breaking
My body salve-aided and I'm bound to die

One morning, one morning, one morning in May,
I saw this young lady all wrapped in white linnen
All wrapped in white linnen
and called out "the plague"

9 Nov 2009

Today is just another Monday for so many people. But for me its the reminder of the day that changed my life forever.

In My Thoughts...

Today I received a phone call from my mother, telling me about the events of 5 Nov 2009. I am sure you all have read or seen what has happened on the news today at Ft. Hood, TX. Of course my heart sank out of my chest into my stomach because in all stupidity (and I hate myself for it) I thought about Dory. Then I obviously realized he is deployed but it scared me.. I don't know why but it scared me all afternoon.

Why should I be scared? Why should I allow myself to care for someone who doesn't obviously care for me?

It makes me miserable.

Even now.

One Evening

The Liar, The Cougar, and The Fallen....

Its absolutely amazing what you can learn within a week's time. I learned that Dory never left Wendy - or atleast thats what it looks like. I learned that Mike is dating his ex-married-platoon sergeant's wife. And I am just at a loss to all this knowledge. I mean - I've come to the point where the only person I can be mad at is myself. Why? Because I was a fool to believe that Dory would ever really want to come back to me... that and I didn't ask to see the divorce decree. I was a fool to think that Mike would really feel love for me. And I am a fool for even falling for either of those jerks. I just wished those two assholes who raped me would have just killed me off because now I've just become so numb to my own feelings and my own life.

Days.... Days...

I'm counting the days... 8 days...

The only way I'd let you back into my life...

Will come with a price....

What Happened?

Thoughts of you still fill my mind from time to time. I often wonder if I'm your biggest regret or your biggest disaster barely diverted. I look for your name, I even look at the stars and wonder if you ever wished on the same star I wished on. As much as I despise and hate your actions it doesn't change how much I've loved you or even how much I wish our love could have grown and became stronger. I guess I should delete all the pictures of us - but I just don't have the heart to do it.. Maybe because I wish you could still look at me like you used to... or maybe I just wish I could find away to forgive myself for being so stupid to believe that someone would actually love me. Never the less...Someday I must find peace. But will you?

Dear John

Like Johnny and June

Calla Lillies

Flowers might seem like a waste... but I always wanted you to waste them on me.

Craigslisters

So my girl Jette and I get on Craigslist and read some of the well sad,funny, silly, and raunchy ads people post.. however, some of them are very powerful and touching... I wanted to share some here because well I can relate to the words.

glitter-graphics.com
I will never forget - m4w
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I know you've found someone else and I have too but the thought of you with another man just doesn't seem right. Everytime I think of you and that's quite often... My heart still jumps a beat to this day. You know who you are and you'll probably never see this... But I just wanted to let you know that deep down I'm still waiting for you and I think I always will. I haven't bought flowers on any day of the week since you and I never will. I've made my peace with a few people I couldn't before ,both in your life and in mine and I'm nicer person all around. I had to find peace inside myself.

Please if you see this KNOW I love you and I always will. You are the most Beautiful Woman I have ever had the pleasure to know. Thank you for sharing your life with me even if it wasn't the rest of it. EVERYONE gets compared to you.

For what it's worth.......... I love you and I miss you so very much.

You will NEVER be forgotten.




I miss you - w4m - 21
I miss you, and I hate it. Im sorry the last time we talked I just got in the car without saying anything. Then I saw you that night and you barely would speak to me. Good for you for being strong, but this is killing me.
I went by where we used to meet the other day and all I could think about was our place, our secret. I guess I just need to know it wasnt all a lie. I dont think youll ever see this, but if you do just let me know your doing ok.




These were to beautiful not to share.

What Scares You?

glitter-graphics.com
What scares me is I'm not over you...I'm far from being over you. Which is causing such a set back for me.

Forgiveness

I find it so ironic - how I can give out forgiveness to those who have hurt me. Atleast, enough forgiveness for the small stuff... the stupid stuff.. however, when it comes to me.. I get screwed... all because I loved him. He ruined my life. And in the process I hurt someone who really did love me..

So much for forgiveness....

It's been over a year...

Lost

I wonder, do we all know where we belong? And if we do, in our hearts, why do we so often do nothing about it? There must be more to this life, a purpose for us all, a place to belong. You were my home. I knew from the moment I met you, that night, so many years ago. -Beyond Borders

Why Does It Still Piss Me Off???

It is like even to this day it still pisses me off for what Dory asked me... If I slept with Divine. I didn't sleep with that mother fucker. And it just aggravates the shit outta me. I guess because there is nothing worse to me than being called a liar. Because I am a lot of things but a liar isn't one of them. What I find funny is that my good friend Jaime couldn't believe he asked me that and that it was just typical of Divine to say something like that. I dunno it just still pisses me off... from The whole "I've been thinking about you and wanting to be with you" to my own actions. I shouldn't have been weak to believe that he had changed. People don't change... just manipulate.

SCREAMING

I hate the Army... Just gonna leave it at that.

In Reality... How Fair Would It Have Been...

Most of this weekend I have been babysitting my friend Tamera's son Brylan. We've played, watched T.V., I've fed him and rocked him to sleep. And even though I have been watching him here, at my parents, he clings to me as his protector and mother figure because he is so used to me. My folks kinda treat him like a grandchild, since I have no children of my own nor know if I can have children. However, what has haunted me the most has been all the broken promises my first love said to me.

"I want you to be the mother of my children..."

"When I think of someone to be the mother of my children it always comes back to you."

"I can't believe I'm falling back in love with you."

"Things haven't turned out like I planned."

"I'm sorry."

"I made vows."

"It's complicated."

"What would you do?"

Then he walked right back out of my life, just as causally as he walked into it. I really thought when he came back that it was meant to be. And as I watch this beautiful child, I realize that maybe I wasn't ready for all the glitz and glamour of motherhood. Not that I don't want to be a mom - I very much do. However, maybe since all these horrible things have happened over the last year and half that I am just not ready. And that possibly fate has decided I am to do something amazing before I commit to something so special and so fragile and so precious.

Doesn't mean that his "love", his beauty and his personality doesn't still haunt me.

Probably always will.

Did you say it?

"Did you say it?
i love you...
i don't ever want to live without you...
you changed my life...
did you say it?
make a plan...
set a goal...
work toward it...
but every now and again, look around...
drink it in.
cause this is it.
it might all be gone tomorrow"

Kinda Corny but I liked it.

You opened it, Good luck. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they love you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00 PM - 4:40 PM tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Tonight at midnight they will remember how much they loved you as well. You will get the shock of your life tomorrow, a good one. Get ready for the shock of your life, a good one. If you break the chain you will be cursed with relationship problems for the next 2 years. Karma. If there is someone you once loved (or still do) and can't get them out of your mind, repost this in another city within the next five minutes. It’s amazing how it works!
It is sad when people you know, become people you knew....
It is one of life's tragedies when you meet someone that you know is meant to be but due to unexpected circumstances and misunderstandings becomes someone you knew.
And when you can walk right past someone that at one time in your life was a big part of your life...
And how you used to be able to talk to them for hours about the little nothings in life...
And now you can barely look at them and they at you...
And all you have left is that aching feeling in your soul...

Finality or Just Plain Scared...

Since November of 2008, I've often felt like this scared little girl. Lost, Alone, and just wanting to feel safe. I wish I could feel that complete and wholeness again, however, I know that part of my life is just dead. I will never be able to salvage it, only remember it, mourn it, and move on. That is the hard part, I'm still very much in the remembering process, I haven't really mourned it.

Choices... They are So Simple... It Hurts

Sense and Sensibility

When he was present she had no eyes for anyone else. Everything he did was right. Everything he said was clever. If their evenings at the Park were concluded with cards, he cheated himself and all the rest of the party to get her a good hand. If dancing formed the amusement of the night, they were partners for half the time; and when obliged to separate for a couple of dances, were careful to stand together, and scarcely spoke a word to anybody else. Such conduct made them, of course, most exceedingly laughed at; but ridicule could not shame, and seemed hardly to provoke them.
Sense and Sensibility
About Marianne and Willoughby, Chapter 11.

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others.
Sense and Sensibility
Marianne, Chapter 12.

She felt the loss of Willoughby's character yet more heavily than she had felt the loss of his heart.
Sense and Sensibility
Marianne, Chapter 32.

Elinor Dashwood: Whatever his past actions, whatever his present course... at least you may be certain that he loved you.
Marianne: But not enough. Not enough.

The Love of Lies

The Love of Lies
Charles Baudelaire

When I see you pass by, my indolent darling,
To the sound of music that the ceiling deadens,
Pausing in your slow and harmonious movements,
Turning here and there the boredom of your gaze;

When I study, in the gaslight which colors it,
Your pale forehead, embellished with a morbid charm,
Where the torches of evening kindle a dawn,
And your eyes alluring as a portrait's,

I say within: "How fair she is! How strangely fresh!"
Huge, massive memory, royal, heavy tower,
Crowns her; her heart bruised like a peach
Is ripe like her body for a skillful lover.

Are you the autumn fruit with sovereign taste?
A funereal urn awaiting a few tears?
Perfume that makes one dream of distant oases?
A caressive pillow, a basket of flowers?

I know that there are eyes, most melancholy ones,
In which no precious secrets lie hidden;
Lovely cases without jewels, lockets without relics,
Emptier and deeper than you are, O Heavens!

But is it not enough that you are a semblance
To gladden a heart that flees from the truth?
What matter your obtuseness or your indifference?
Mask or ornament, hail! I adore your beauty.

Watching you drown.... I follow you down...

Lights in the Sky
by Trent Reznor

she's mostly gone
some other place
i'm getting by
in other ways
everything they whispered in our ear
is coming true
try to justify the things
i used to do
believe in you

watching you drown
i'll follow you down
and i am here right beside you
the lights in the sky
have finally arrived
i am staying right beside you

i tried to stay away
you know
just in case
i've come to realize
we all have our place
time has a way you know
to make it clear
i have my role in this
i can't disappear
or leave you here

watching you drown
i'll follow you down
and i am here right beside you
the lights in the sky
are waving goodbye
i am staying right beside you

Between Me, You and God

I am not a church going individual nor am I a believer of organized religion.. but I have faith and hope... and I have to say this prayer from time to time to get me through the hurt and anger I feel...

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

What Do You Say??

"You tell them that our lives can change with every breath we take... and tell 'em to hold on like hell to what they've got: each other, and a mother who would die for them and almost did... You tell them we've all got meanness in us, but we've got goodness too. And the only thing worth living for is the good. And that's why we've got to make sure we pass it on." - Where the Heart Is

Dialogue

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Already Gone

Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder

But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Dating Advice from Your Lord and Master... Foamy

To Dory....

I'm pretty much speechless.

However, I guess the only place I know where to start is Saturday night and the dream I had.

First of all, allow me to say since I got assaulted I've had a very hard time sleeping. My dreams usually consist of blood or some horrifying images. But that night it was very different.

In my dream I was with my mother at my brother's grave, at the foot of his tombstone digging with a military shovel. In the dream my brother's grave was on my grandparent's old property, I remember I stopped digging when I saw a red car pull up into the drive way and a soldier in old WWII green fatigues get out of the vehicle and approach me. He asked me who I was and if I was in the military and presented me a small bracelet box and saluted me. As I opened the box I realized it was a memorial bracelet. It had Dory's name on it. I began frantically crying, and ran after the soldier and asked him if Dory was dead. The soldier said "Is there a 'Q' by the name?" and I said "Yes." The soldier replied "Then he's dead." And he left. I just cried and cried, and found myself walking through a garden then to a koi pond. Then I woke up.

Growing up I was always told that if you dream of someone dying then someone is going to get married.

People say dreams are just dreams but for me I believe they can be powerful. Especially after what Dory and I talked about on Tuesday.



This is just want I was to say to Dory:


They say if you really love someone the greatest thing you can ever do for them is let them go. This is me letting you go Dory. I know I sent a text message saying that it would be in my best interest to never speak to you again and that I hate and despise you and Wendy. The bottom line is I'm so heartbroken that the truth is, I love you more than you love me. That's okay. I need you to know that is okay. I need you to know that I have to let you go to survive. And if being with Wendy is what you want, what you heart really wants then so be it. I can't come between you and your love or your happiness.

But I don't hate you.

And the last thing I want to happen is you to go back to Iraq and not know that deep down inside my heart I never hated you, I was just so devastated. So torn to pieces inside because the way I see it, she's using you again, tricking you. But like I said - its your choice and your life, and your love. And no, just because something doesn't work out in my favor doesn't mean I don't think you don't deserve your happiness. You deserve all the happiness and love in the world. And I need you to know that, and I'm too chicken shit to call you and say all of this because more or less I'd be in tears.

But you have to understand where I'm coming from, because sometimes I don't think you know. I've been so scared of myself for so long and have had to my blood and guts on displace out to the world for months because of what happened the week you got married. Because I was so deeply hurt. No I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip, I just want you to see. I just want you to know. That whatever happens, speaking terms or no speaking terms... there will always be a girl out there who loved you more than you'll ever know. Who stood up to her family and friends, who flew from one country to another, who would go to hell if you asked it of her - out there.

There will always be a piece of you in my heart and soul. Harsh words or actions can never take that away. Now I've said my peace.

Always Yours
Jessica

The Kinda Love

Can love really travel back in time and heal a broken heart?

I hope so.

Because I do Love Dory.

I never thought in a million years I would be back with him. That I would feel the same about him again. Or even think of no one else while I'm with him or without him. I know for months I have compared all men to him - even Mike, and no one even matched up. No one ever could fill that void in my heart like he does. It's been hard - for both of us. Everything we've gone through. And yes all of this will take time. But all the we have now is time.

He came home from Iraq to see me. I didn't know that he was even home on R&R and as soon as I knew I asked him to come - not knowing that he was on his way before I even asked. I love this man.

It has been a year since I've seen him, and for the first time he seems happy and just... The Dory I fell in love with. Granted our love is a work in progress... its not going to happen over night. But I'm willing to work towards it if he is too, and he seems like he is.

My parents aren't thrilled, my mother won't even talk to me. However, my dad and my granny have been supportive and just want me to be happy. Dory makes me happy.

I just really hope that love can go back in time and heal a broken heart.

I thought it might fix everything...Somehow.

What If You...

I Don't Like the Drugs But The Drugs Like Me...

I had a dream Saturday night about him.


In my dream I was outside smoking. Mike walked by and I said Hi and Mike's friend said "He's pissed at you." I was like "Why?" he says "I dunno why don't you ask him." So as Mike walked passed by again I asked him why he was pissed. He replies with, while he sits down next to me, "Do you really want to know why?" and I said "Yes."

"You know that canvas you made. What would you do if it was me?" he says.

I replied with "I would catch you." And then he kissed me.

A deep, wanting, longing kiss.

I woke up so fast and got up out of bed so fast that I couldn't function the rest of the day.

Letters

These letters are dated July 3,2009 and were posted in a local paper. I have copied and pasted them onto this blog because I wanted to add my own letter.

Letters to the Editor

Military Families
Published: Friday, July 3, 2009 9:48 AM PDT
In celebration of Independence Day, The Windsor Times asked several Windsor residents with family serving abroad to reflect on their expereince as a military family. Their responses are printed below.
....

Sons and daughters in the military

Our son-in-law enlisted in the Army (Steve Wadleigh) while engaged to our daughter (Lea-Ann Gudmundson), WHS grad 2000. They moved their wedding plans up to accommodate his assignment to Korea, and she enlisted in the Army, the theory being, by the time she finished basic and AIT school he would be back and they could be stationed together. I cried a lot over that decision, but trusted God, as they did, that it was His plan. She became pregnant when he came home from Korea, a wee bit of an oops (our granddaughter). They were stationed together at Fort Stewart, Ga., until their units were scheduled to deploy to Iraq. Our daughter’s commanding officer liked her and her work as a medic at the post clinic; he gave her an honorable discharge, early, because both of them were to deploy to Iraq at the same time, with no plan of care for our grandchild. She has been an exemplary Army wife and her husband has seen two tours of Iraq since Korea.

Our son, Michael, enlisted in the Army after graduating WHS, along with our neighbors’ son, Jimmy Porter. They went to boot camp together at Fort Benning, Ga., and then Jimmy had orders to the 82nd Airborne, and Mike had orders to the 101st Airborne. Mike went to Rhamadi right out of boot camp.

What a hellhole for a young man. He came back different, more mature, insightful. He was stateside for a year and then got orders for Afghanistan in October 2007. I got a letter in the mail for a power of attorney and a will, stuff he never thought of first time out. Oh how we prayed for him and our son-in-law. Our son-in-law, Staff Sgt. Steve Wadleigh, was wounded in Iraq January 2008. He was the passenger in a vehicle hit by an IED; his driver was wounded and his gunner was killed. Shrapnel pierced the Kevlar strap on his helmet, imbedding in his cheek.

Praise God he was alive. They fixed him up and awarded him the Purple Heart, and he continued his tour. In May 2008, we were notified by the Department of the Army that our son had been wounded in Afghanistan. His vehicle was hit by an IED, his sergeant in the passenger seat was killed and his driver wounded. Michael would be flown to Germany and we would be notified when he was being flown stateside.

Capt. Blalock called to tell us of our son’s injuries: “We were able to save the left leg.” (What about the right leg?) No mother should get that kind of phone call. Michael was awarded his Purple Heart in a hospital bed. The Capt. stated the Department of the Army would fly us to whatever medical facility Mike was sent. An agonizing week of wondering where he was and hoping and praying it would not be Walter Reed, as we had heard only the extremely wounded soldiers were sent there. We got a call on a Friday to fly out that evening to Eisenhower Medical Center in Augusta, Ga.

The Army flew us and housed us at a Fisher House by the hospital. For two weeks we stayed at Fisher House and walked to the hospital and spent every moment with our son as he endured wound treatments to his foot and leg. Daily “wash outs” were horrible; yes, he had both feet. We heard then that Mike had actually ridden in the back of a truck, wounded, with his driver in his lap, holding that man’s abdominal wound closed with his hands. So, here we are a year later, our son-in-law has moved on to a duty station in California training troops in the desert at Fort Irwin. Our son, Spc. Michael Gudmundson, is still in a wounded warrior unit at Fort Campbell, Ky., and we thank the Lord every day that he protected our boys.

Steve and Val Gudmundson

A way of life

My name is Lea-Ann Wadleigh (formerly Lea-Ann Gudmundson of Windsor). I am a native “Windsorite” and my husband was a transplant from the Sacramento area. I have served in the U.S. Army and my husband Staff Sgt. Steve Wadleigh is currently serving. We are stationed at Fort Irwin in the Mojave Desert and my husband Steve has been through two deployments to Iraq. While he was on his first tour of duty to Iraq I gave birth to our first little girl, Madison, whom he was unable to meet until she was 5 months old. Our second daughter was born between deployments, Carissa, and Steve was able to be there for her birth.

My brother Michael Gudmundson is also in the Army and he is currently stationed at Fort Campbell. Ky. He and my husband are both Purple Heart recipients.

I would like to say that there is a tremendous amount of sacrifice that comes with being in the Army, but it becomes a way of life. The Army becomes your life in every aspect, but it becomes so natural and routine just like any other job. When my husband deploys it is like a piece of me is missing. There is a great hole in my heart when he leaves us. We have come to appreciate the small things: love letters, phone calls, pictures and cards. We have spent more of our marriage apart then we have been together, but we have learned ways to make communication a huge priority during deployments. We have a strong faith in God and we know that Steve’s life was spared in January of 2008 when a IED (improvised explosive device) hit his vehicle, killing his gunner and critically wounding his driver. Steve managed to walk away with some small pieces of shrapnel in his cheek, neck and shoulder, but he had his life and remained in country with his soldiers because he knew how much they counted on him. It is soldiers like my husband who are the true definition of what it means to be an American soldier, and to live above the Army’s values of loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. I truly appreciate our military and their families.

In appreciation,

Lea-Ann Wadleigh


To whom it may concern:

I want to start by saying that I am proud that even for a moment that I have served in the US Army. Granted most of my time was clouded by the darkness of grieve and disgust, atleast I can say I did something. However, this isn't the reason why I am writing this letter. I was most fortunate to fall in love and be with one of the most caring individuals that God has blessed me to have crossed paths with: Michael Gudmundson.

We met at a bar here in Clarksville, where we are both stationed, and I never thought in a million years after all of the suffering in love relationships and most recently my career that I would meet someone who would change my life. I remember the first night we talked on and on about ourselves and what happened to us. I really didn't think he would call me... but the next evening I had a voicemail from this wonderful man.

Since my assault on 9 November 2009, I never thought I would be able to trust or confide in anyone anymore. I had felt hopeless and miserable... but he came into my life and saved me from myself and from the events that hurt me the most. I shared my the darkest part of my life with him and he never judged me, never made me feel bad for what happened, and helped me get through days I didn't think I would survive.

He saved my life.

Now he and I are not together anymore, I still hold a deep place in my heart for him. More so than anymore I've ever met in my life. We've survived the most horrible things that any human being could endured - but somehow we connected even for a brief moment in our lives. Perhaps someday our paths will cross again.

Love Always

Jessica

28 Days

Well.

I don't even know how to begin this blog.

Since the last time I wrote on here - my case took a turn for the worse. The main assailant, the one that should have been charged more with, was found guilty of incident acts but only go 3/4's of his pay taken for one month.

To be honest I am rather at a lose when it comes to this. For the last week I've been numb, now I'm just plan out sad and exhausted. Hurt that people like me will always be victimized just because I made a bad choice - I trusted the wrong people.

I'm sorry I have a hard time talking about all of this. So I want to move onto my Blog Title which is : 28 Days.

My former boyfriend Mike just recently told me that he was going to seek help about his addiction to pills. I knew he had a problem but with both of us together - we have been effected so deeply by the traumatic events that have changed our lives. There is a possibility that he will be placed in an inpatient treatment facility for 28 days to deal with this. An honestly, I hope he goes. He needs it just as much as I need help. He's really a great guy and maybe I will never know the real reasons why we broke up but I do know I will always have a place in my broken heart for him because we've shared some of the most intimate details of the most horrible things that could have happen to each other. He's been the only real friend I've had through all this mess.

Tired of Being Sorry

Tonight most of all I've realized I'm exhausted from being sorry for myself...well not just myself but feeling sorry for loving the people I love.

I just don't understand how I come across these people... How I come across people who don't love me like I love them.

What did I do that is so wrong?

Because I'll never be what people want me to be..

Sorry that I'm not 36 24 36 with tattoos and pierced nipples and tongue ring.

Sad thing is.. I used to be that girl. Now I'm just a fat, tattooed, and depressed girl.

I just want me life back and the sad thing is I'll never have it back. As long as I'm here I'm always going to be haunted by what people have done to me and how I am so much of a failure. Hell - no one ever leaves me comments of even bothers to read this damn journal I've kept over the last well almost two years.



And this is the girl I'm not... but I wish I was... I wish I wasn't the shell of a person I used to be nor an ugly fat girl I am now.

I always thought.. I'd be a mom...

"Simple Kind Of Life"

For a long time I was in love
Not only in love, I was obsessed
With a friendship that no one else could touch
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life
And all I needed was a simple man
So I could be a wife

I'm so ashamed, I've been so mean
I don't know how it got to this point
I always was the one with all the love
You came along, I'm hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight
And all I wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time
Would it start all over again?
Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

How Many Pills Does It Take.....

I can't sleep tonight... nothing new.
My mind keeps wandering to thoughts of him and hoping he is okay. Hoping that someday my life will be back to some sort of normality. I often feel like I'm locked in chains when it comes to love or anything I do in my life. That I'm being punished by god for some unknown reason. Did I not love god enough? Was I born to be some sort of tool to be tested? I was once told by someone who had literally seen the face of death (he was blown up and survived) that he had a great new love for life.

Now here I am... someone who has been thrown aside like a piece of trash almost all her life... and I'm just a sad and lonely old fool.

I want more than what I've been dealt.

You're No Good... Heartbreaker....

So all last night - even though HE broke up with me. He was all I could think about. Everytime a guy came up to me asking me to dance or wanting to talk - I just wanted it to be Mike.

Sorry guys... I can't help that I still wanna be with this guy who broke up with me almost a week and half after he told me he loved me. Yes - Ladies and Gents I have issues. I have LOTS of issues and it seems to stem from men who just play a brief role in my life.

I just want the Mike I fell for back.

I just want me life back. Before all this bad stuff happened.

Long Time NO BLOGG!!!!!!

Yes! I realize its been almost four months since my last post. But Ladies and Gents! I have been threw A LOT!

From moving to a new country - Well Back to the United States to dating an amazing guy who ends up being NOT so amazing to having to testify at a general court-martial. Its been an emotional roller coaster.

However, today I'm moved to a new unit in which I can focus on all my medical needs and all that jazz.

I have tons to say but I just don't know how to put it into text. Perhaps with time I can write it all down for you.

You'll Never Know How You Leaving Affected Me.

I often find myself after nights that are suppose to be joyous, laying in my bed the next morning thinking about how easy it would be just to not exist anymore. I live everyday with the mark of what has been done to me. A piece of my soul is missing, its a wound so large that it affects everything I do. I don't know how to hide it or repair it... to mend it so that it heals. Everyone keeps saying "Time." I know time is suppose to heal all wounds, however, this one is pretty large. And unfortunately, a physical wound would be easier to have then this burden, this cross I bare everyday. I wish I could trade places with someone - anyone. Sad thing is I still think about you. And the promise I made. I usually keep my promises... I know you never did and probably will never be able to keep such promises not only to anyone else but yourself. I get so angry with you - so much anger that I hate you. Ironically enough I still love you.

When I hear things like "4 soldiers killed by suicide bomber." I still worry and hope you're safe.

I don't think I can ever forgive you for leaving me. Especially how you left me. I wish you could have been more honest with me, but most of all honest with yourself.

Sometimes I blame you for what happened that week. Mostly I blame myself for loving you so much to allow you to affect me so deeply. Why do we as humans allow this thing, this chemical reaction in our heads called love break us down so much?

You'll never know how you leaving affected me....

You'll never know how it felt to be violated like that...

You'll never know how it broke my heart...

You'll never know how I wake up everyday hoping that maybe today the pain will end...

You'll never know about the doctor's appointments, the legal appointments, the possible flight back to South East Asia...

You'll never know how I cry so hard sometimes I can't breathe...

You'll never know about the trauma...

You'll never know how I wish someone would just hold me so I can feel safe...

You'll never know how I don't feel safe anymore... No matter where I'm at...

You'll never know how I blame you as if you were in the room and did nothing to stop them...

You'll never know how you marrying her affected me...

You'll never know how she tries to contact me because she believes we should all be friends...

You'll never know how that makes me want to slit my wrist...

You'll never know how I want to address my suicide note to you..

You'll never know how you leaving affected me.

He's Just Not That Into You

Have you really not noticed, then, that here of all places, in this private,
personal solitude that surrounds me, I have turned to you? All the memories of
my youth speak to me as I walk, just as the sea shells crunch under my feet on the
beach. The crash of every wave awakens far-distant reverberations within me.

I hear the rumble of bygone days, and in my mind the whole endless series of old
passions surges forward like the billows. I remember my spasms, my sorrows, gusts
of desire that whistled like wind in the rigging, and vast vague longings that
swirled in the dark like a flock of wild gulls in a storm cloud.

On whom should I lean, if not on you? My weary mind turns for refreshment to
the thought of you as a dusty traveler might sink onto a soft and grassy bank.

- Gustave Flaubert, French writer -