It's All The Same

Love is a Lie

I gave everything for love.


I got nothing in return.

Dear God

Dear God.

Sometimes I don't know what to say because sometimes I think you don't really want me around. However, I know thats impossible because we are all here for some reason or another. I have to believe that - even if I've been selfish and didn't want to be around.I just need some love and light in my life. You know I'm not happy with my job as it stands but I have to finish my two years I have left and well... ya know. As for love. You know how I feel. I really love him. I wanna be his bride, wife and mother of his children. I just hope that he feels the same way. I really do love him. Hell I'm waiting for him - so I must love him.

I just need some love and light in my life.

Yours

Jessica

Faith

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Missing you...

I miss you my love.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I want to be your wife and mother of your children.
I'm ready for life to start for us.
I'm ready to be successful and blissfully happy with you.
I want you and I to be together always.
I want to wake up to you every morning and go to sleep with you every night.
I love you Dory.
I do.

Goodbye to the Past, Hello Future!!!!

COUNTDOWNCLOCK

So just recently someone from my past came back into my life. Angry because I moved on and that I'm happy. Well I'm sorry. I'm madly in love and I'm happy and trying to get fit and healthy again.

I'm not going to sit here and feel sorry for you - when relationships are a two way street.

My relationship now is healthy and I'm just so happy about life and everything now. So if you're mad that I moved on....


Tough.

Untitled..

I just want to go home.

Truth Is....

I'm not fucking okay.

I hate being here in Korea. It sucks so much. I'm sick of people telling me I'm fat - HELLO!!!! I know this... I don't need a fucking reminder. Seriously - I'm getting to the point where I'm like - WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING....Joining the Army has been the biggest regret of my life. Second to quitting college.

I get so angry at those fucking bitches who popped out one or two kids and get all this financial aid to go to school and because my parents made barely over the fucking lower middle class status - I couldn't get financial aid.

So to all these Presidential Candidates.... FUCK OFF!! You aren't going to change anything.

I used to be so motivated with my life and want more. Now all I want is a fucking pine box. Listen kids the world is fucking cruel. I get it... But why do I have to be shit on all the fucking time. Is this God ultimate test?? Does God REALLY hate me???

I feel like I'm slowly dying of this poison.

You know what sucks even more - is that for a little while I thought if I didn't think about it ... if I just forget it... ignore it... it would just go away... It doesn't.

How do you explain to people that you feel things TEN times more amplified than the average human being?

I can't explain it... I can only reject it an hate it. My boyfriend once told me I have these gifts and I just got to channel them. What gifts??? I hate everything about me... because nothing I do or say or accomplish will be enough. I will never be enough. All I want to do is go home and say "Yes - I failed. I failed at the 'Real World.' I failed at the Army. I failed at Life."

I'm just so miserable and angry. The things I want in life seem so hard to reach because of all the things I'm not and will never be. Because I'm never going to be more than just some over-weight, flat chested, big ass girl who dropped out of community college and joined the army only to realize she's miserable and possibly die from her own intentions.

I think about it everyday - I try to put it in the back of my mind. But sometimes it seems so much easier. Wouldn't it be so much easier.. just to not... exist.

But then I think of my boyfriend - I can't do that to him because I love him so much it hurts. He deserves better than that. Sometimes he's all I need to get on with the day. He's all I need to think about to just maintain. Sometimes he's the perfect drug.

As for my parents - I just can't deal with them sometimes. I'm not even going home to visit when I leave Korea. I'm just gonna go straight to my next duty station. I hate going home on leave.

I'm thinking about disappearing this weekend and just getting away but I'm not sure. I can't really afford it. Sucks being poor. Not that's anything new. Been poor my whole life... so it is what it is.

It is.... What it is...

The Truth.

Dawn of a New Day

I'm sitting here at home, getting ready for work and the first thing on my mind is how is he doing today?

I think how blessed I am to be in a good relationship, have some what of a more tolerable job in which I can grow and expand. I've been hitting the gym more often these days. I'm just trying to get my mind right.

I had a talk with him the other day and I told him my thoughts and fears for the future. How I've always thought I'd die young, so on and so forth. Sometimes its really hard for me to express such thoughts because I think 'WHOA People are gonna think I'm ridiculously crazy.' No matter... It's a new day. I feel like a new chapter in my life is about to start and I'm very pleased with it.

Poetry...

Yeah I used to write A LOT.. but then my dreams were crushed so I moved on with life. However, I found this poem I wrote a long time ago and wanted to share it:


I think the world has changed me.
Or could it be the past?
I'm not sure if I should go home.
To tell you 'I'm gone."
To tell that my heartaches,
Because I weep, for all the things that are out of my reach.
But I'm still lost in the darkness, lost in the past.

Must I continue to wear this mask?
Hiding my sadness?
Let time run it's course?
Watch them fade away.
I don't want to let them go.
Say good-bye and forget them so...

That's not the way I am.
Even when they might be strangers,
Their still my friends.
If I could talk to you forever about my sadness...
But I'm scared you won't listen, to cry on your shoulder.
For you to hold me in your arms so I could be comforted.

Dreams... Illusions...

So if I can't..
I'll just cry my eyes, hide in the shadows.
(No body knows I run to the shadows.)
That's what I wanted you to know.

Just Because I love you...

Things you should know....

No matter how you look you're Sexy to me... My Vampire Boyfriend :D

No matter how angry I get with God... It was You an Angel that saved me...

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No matter how hopeless I've felt - you've helped me rebelieve in that statement...

We both know how much this statement is true for both of us...

Music cures our souls... even when it doesn't seem to have a remedy..

No matter how many times we'll see one another - I'll always cry when I have to say good bye...

But no matter what I'll go anywhere you ask me to go....

Foolishness

Sitting here for the first time, in six months, in my parents home I have been reviewing some of my past entries. How foolish I was.... How VERY foolish I was. You know, I've gone through a lot of hell when it comes to relationships. I'm so very thankful to be in the most current one now. I think its kinda weird that the same guy who saved me, I met on the day I almost died.

I quit talking to Tony a month ago. I realized how toxic he was. How? Well as childish as it sounds I finally saw how shallow he was. He wouldn't approve my myspace comments and I realized 'Wow! I'm just some big fucking dirty secret you wanna keep from your "cool" friends.' Then once I confronted him, and he basically didn't deny it. I realized how foolish I was. And as time went on... I found out he wasn't going to Iraq.

Sick Fuck.

SICK SICK FUCK!!!!

Who lies about shit like that?? That would be like me lying about being raped. You see where I'm going with this????

How stupid could I have been? Just basically loved the things I did for him instead of me and I was just so sad, so lonely I fell for it.

However, Karma -atleast I hope- or God -I definately hope- has graced me with my miracle. Dory has been my miracle. Basically, putting a mirror in my face saying "Look you are a wonderful person - Fuck'em if they can't accept that!" or in the wise words of Franklin "Fuck Off."

So Tony all I got to say about everything you did to me and did to every girl in your life or perhaps ALL your life... FUCK OFF!!!


I'm sorry I just had to get all this off my chest. Because it hurts. It hurts that someone you thought you could trust could hurt you like that... could watch you die.


I have days before I have to go back to Korea. I don't want to go back. I hate it. But I'm only going back because well for one I have to but for the other reason is so I can finish my time there and be with the other half of my heart in Texas. I'm so madly in love with him. Its like for the first time its REAL.

REAL!!!

Not some bull shit.

And for the first time in my life I am happy and feel like I'm back in control of my life. I feel like I have so much to live for and do. I don't feel like I'm going to die without him. I feel like we are going to be okay when we are seperated; and even more in love when we are together.

Sometimes when I hear the sound of his voice I get weak in the knees. I remember the first time I saw him, I remember the first time I said hello and the first time I said goodbye.

All I have to say to him now is... I love you and You saved my life. You're the miracle I was looking for. The Angel embracing me.

Words for Comfort

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.


This morning I need a little comforting. I've spent the last week with my other half, Dory, now I am on my way to see my parents up in Tennessee. However, I'd rather stay here. I guess as you grow older you realize that your parents will always be around (atleast if not physically but spiritually) and to do what makes you really happy. He makes me really happy. And thats all that matters.

But still - once again we are about to embark on another time of seperation. Four months this time - but this is just seconds in the big picture of things. We mutually agree that during these bouts of seperation that we focus on ourselves and our careers - but still my mind lingers to the future and the possiblities of what is to come of us.

Sometimes I just have to humor myself - even though reality might kick in someday. I don't want it to.

These small amounts of time are just preparing us for the long year we'll be away from one another to come. I can honestly say I love him. Deep down with out hesitation. I think that scares him. It scares the shit out of me too. But - anything worth loving, worth having will always be scarey at first but in the end the best thing that ever happened.

Contemplating the future...

Lately I have been having the strangest of dreams. Maybe its because my idea of the future looks very... scarey. I am 22 years old and by the time I turn 25 I'll be a veteran, possibly a wife, possibly a mother, possibly dead...

Possibly Dead.

I keep having this reoccurring dream/vision: I'm barely sitting up on a stretcher. However, at first I don't realize I'm being carried all I can see is my hands, they're bloody. The darkest blood I'd ever seen in my life. I'm covered from my hands to my chest, stomach and the tops of my thighs. Trembling like I'd never trembled before - not crying, not speaking, a ghaustly silence. All I hear is the rambling of the people around me, rushing me into the hospital. I must have been in shock because I couldn't speak, I look over and my boyfriend is there (he's in the medical field), I hear his voice "Jessica!" He tries to come over and two men stop him from coming over to help me. Then I black out, he's next to me and I look him in the eyes and say "Isn't this something, you'll be the last one to see me alive."

I'm scared.

Dear....

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Dear God,
I know I've asked for a lot of petty things in my life. But once - this once... I am asking for something that has nothing to do with me. It has to do with someone I truely love and care for - Dory. He saved my life, you know this. But I dont know if he really knows how much he means to me. How whenever I walk into a room and he's there I know that when he looks at me....it takes my breathe away. When I think about him or whenever someone asks me about him it makes me feel so close to him. I pray - no I beg that you'll keep him safe, even for a temporary moment. Because I'd gladly take his place if you'd let me. I'd gladly go where ever just as long as I know that his heart, his body, his mind, his soul is safe. Just please - for once, for all the faith that has been given back to me by the miracle of these past events. Please... do this for me. Please.
Your ever silent believer.
Jessica

"I Lost My Love In Baghdad"

Today I just finished a book called I Lost My Love In Baghdad By Michael Hastings. It is probably the most beautiful piece of literature I've read in a REALLY long time. It is powerful in nature because its a true love story of two real people. Two people whose careers dictate there futures. I can relate to this story because I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a beautiful man, whose passionate love is more than I ever dreamed of; as well as our careers, both military in nature are dictate by the events of the world around us. We're both scared right now. I'm scared that he doesn't think our love will be enough - I think it will. A little love is always enough. I would give him my world if he asked it of me. I don't think he quite realizes that just yet. I think its because he's be an absolute miracle for me. Saving me from my self-destructive ways.

"When was the moment you knew???"

The moment I knew that I loved him was the day after we had gone out and been drinking. I had been a complete jackass about a situation that had happened the night before and I stormed out of the bar and went home. I shouldn't have gone home because I was so drunk that it was probably VERY unsafe for me to be alone. I remember the next day being in his room and apologizing to him about what had happened. I realized that he was genuinely concerned about my well-being and that I had deeply hurt him just vanishing like that. He was worried that something bad had happened to me and that it might have hurt our relationship. I Knew in that moment of him expressing his concern for me, his genuine worry over myself, I knew that I loved him. And that I was scared of loving anyone who could ever love me.

I remember the first night we kissed. I told him up front that I was an emotional trainwreck and that he'd probably just wanna go be with someone else. Thats when he told me that he liked me the first moment he saw me. Of course, I thought he was meaning a few days before our little date. No - he ment the moment he saw me five months prior to that night, when I first got here. He saw me sweeping the steps in my office. Then he saw me around post. Then we talked once at the clinic. Then the night at the bar. Then the first time we talked and went out on a date.

I love him - I love him deeply. I love him because he loves me and all my imperfections and perfections. I don't know where I would be without him. I always want him in my life - through thick and thin.

First Bad Day in quiet sometime..

I'm not talking your typical bad days.. I'm talking the days when you feel like "Before she turned the gun on herself..." Days.

It sucks so bad because I am trying to take vacation and my job is being crazy about it. I miss my absolutely amazing and beautiful boyfriend and... the bottom line is.. I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to sleep in my parents house and not have a care in the world for a few days. Right now I'm sitting in my room pondering just a little of everything. I have to go back to work in about an hour... thinking about taking a nap...

Hmmm...

Hmmmmmmm....

My Family

One thing I know about my father's side of the family is that it never fails when it comes to wanting attention. One of my father's brothers is being deployed to Iraq and another brother's daughter's boyfriend is going as well. Then I have a cousin going to Afghanistan soon too.. You know what... TOUGH SHIT!! Boo... FUCKING HOO!!! I'm sorry to sound like a cold hearted bitch but this is what we all signed up to fucking do. What makes it worse is that the two that are going to Iraq are fucking National Guardsmen. Sorry - I know what kinda people they are... Yeah it scares me. As for my other unlce - more power to you bro... its your third deployment as an ACTIVE duty soldier.

I just have such a bitter taste in my mouth about all that bull shit. Throwing parties and shit... then not even acknowledging my existance for almost 23 years... FUCK THAT SHIT...

"Do you Remember..."

Do you remember when you used to make your boyfriend or girlfriend mixed tapes? I'm making my boyfriend Dory a mixed tape right now. I dunno - something personal to send him so that when he starts to miss me he'll have something to listen to and be like... 'I really love this girl.'

Atleast I hope so :)

I'm Like A Bird.....

"I'm Like A Bird"

You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
You're lovely but it's not for sure
That I won't ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is, I don't know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is , I don't know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don't know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It's not that I wanna say goodbye
It's just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I'm going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I'm just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x 3]

IxChel: Invocating the power of a Goddess

Among the Maya of the Yucatan peninsula, this was the name of the snake goddess of water and the moon, of childbirth and weaving.

Once, it was said, she took the Sun as her lover, but her grandfather hurled lightning jealously at her, killing the girl.

Grieving dragonflies sang over Ix Chel for 13 days, at the end of which time she emerged, whole and alive, and followed her lover to his palace. But there the Sun in turn grew jealous of the goddess, accusing her of taking a new lover: his brother, the morning star.

He threw Ix Chel from heaven and she found sanctuary with the vulture divinity. The Sun pursued her and lured her home, but immediately he grew jealous again. Ix Chel, weary of the Sun's behaviour, left his home and his bed to wander the night as she wished, making herself invisible whenever he came near. The night-riding goddess spent her energies in nursing the women of earth through pregnancy and labour, taking special care of those who visited her sacred island of Cozumel.

The two symbols in this story are very significant. Snake medicine asks us to shed our skin, to be less resistance to change. Dragonfly is worth contemplating ...

Dragonfly...
Dragonfly strips away the illusions that say to us we cannot achieve our dreams and goals.

Dragonfly is the keeper of dreams, the knower within that sees all of our true potential and ability.

The iridescence of Dragon­fly's wings reminds us of colors not found in our everyday experience. Dragonfly's shifting of colour, energy, form, and movement explodes into the mind of the observer, bringing vague memories of a time or place where magic reigned.

Some legends say that Dragonfly was once Dragon, and that Dragon had scales like Dragonfly's wings. Dragon was full of wisdom, and flew through the night bringing light with its fiery breath. The breath of Dragon brought forth the art of magic and the illusion of changing form. Then Dragon got caught in its own facade. Coyote tricked Dragon into changing form, and the shape of its new body became like Dragonfly's. In accepting the challenge to prove its power and magical prowess, Dragon lost its power.

Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment, and the communications from the elemental world. This elemental world is made up of the tiny spirits of plants, and of the elements air, earth, fire, and water. In essence, this world is full of nature spirits.

On the psychological level, it may be time to break down the illusions you have held that restrict your actions or ideas.

Dragonfly medicine always beckons you to seek out the parts of your habits which you need to change. Have you put on too much weight, or have you started to look like a scarecrow? Have you tended to the changes you have wanted to make in your life? If you feel the need for change, call on Dragonfly to guide you through the mists of illusion to the pathway of transformation.

http://www.hranajanto.com/goddessgallery/ixchel.html

This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor...

The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident
This was a therapeutic chain of events

Finding My Passion...

Is Learning To Let Go...

"Eyes are the portals to the soul... and I see your eyes... and you're soul is longing for more... and is weeping for the life you've failed to lead."

I'm slowly learning to have faith again.
In other people as much as myself. I heard a song just recently that really describes my situation:



A Little Is Enough by Angels and Airwaves

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough



I am dating someone new. He's been my savior. He says to me always "Some how... some way Jessica.. I'm going to be your miracle."

I need a miracle in my life. A savior from myself because I'm so self-destructive. I hate that about myself because I'm so... I dunno... I have this talent and I'm so wrapped up in the bullshit of life that someday its going to be something I'll regret and waste - and that something I don't want.

"Just Like Heaven" The Cure

"Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream" she said
"The one that makes me laugh" she said
And threw her arms around my neck
"Show me how you do it and I promise you
I promise that I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you"

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream...

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone
Alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

I miss you - but I'm moving on...

Believe it or not I miss you A LOT!!! But I must move on... Even you have said this to me...I love you so much. But its never gonna work because we are too much alike and yet so very different. However, there is always gonna be a place in my heart that will be reserved specifically for you. I know it and I feel it everyday.

Sometimes...

Sometimes Video's show whats really going on inside of us... this video does....

Moesta et errabunda

Grieving and Wandering

by Charles Bauledaire

Tell me, does your heart sometimes fly away, Agatha,

Far from the black ocean of the filthy city,

Toward another ocean where splendor glitters,

Blue, clear, profound, as is virginity?

Tell me, does your heart sometimes fly away, Agatha?
The sea, the boundless sea, consoles us for our toil!

What demon endowed the sea, that raucous singer,

Whose accompanist is the roaring wind,

With the sublime function of cradle-rocker?

The sea, the boundless sea, consoles us for our toil!
Take me away, carriage!

Carry me off, frigate! Far, far away!

Here the mud is made with our tears!

— Is it true that sometimes the sad heart of Agatha Says:

Far from crimes, from remorse, from sorrow,

Take me away, carriage, carry me off, frigate?
How far away you are, O perfumed Paradise,

Where under clear blue sky there's only love and joy,

Where all that one loves is worthy of love,

Where the heart is drowned in sheer enjoyment!

How far away you are, O perfumed Paradise!
But the green Paradise of childhood loves

The outings, the singing, the kisses, the bouquets,

The violins vibrating behind the hills,

And the evenings in the woods, with jugs of wine

— But the green Paradise of childhood loves,
That sinless Paradise, full of furtive pleasures,

Is it farther off now than India and China?

Can one call it back with plaintive cries,

And animate it still with a silvery voice,

That sinless Paradise full of furtive pleasures?

Picture

To Tony...

"Picture"

(feat. Sheryl Crow)

[Kid Rock]

Livin' my life in a slow hell

Different girl every night at the hotel

I ain't seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

Been fuelin' up on cocaine and whisky

Wish I had a good girl to miss me

Lord I wonder if I'll ever change my ways I put your picture away

Sat down and cried today

I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to her

I put your picture away, sat down and cried today

I can't look at you, while I'm lyin next to her

[Sherly Crow]

I called you last night in the hotel

Everyone knows but they wont tell

But their half hearted smiles tell me

Somethin' just ain't right I been waitin' on you for a long time

Fuelin' up on heartaches and cheap wine

I ain't heard from you in 3 damn nights

I put your picture away

I wonder where you been I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him

I put your picture away I wonder where you been

I can't look at you while I'm lyin' next to him I saw ya yesterday with an old friend

[Kid Rock]

It was the same ole same "how have you been"

[Both]

Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey

[Kid Rock]

You reminded me of brighter days

[Sheryl Crow]

I hoped you were comin' home to stay I was headed to church

[Kid Rock]

I was off to drink you away

[Both]

I thought about you for a long time

Can't seem to get you off my mind I can't understand why we're living life this way

I found your picture today

I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home

I found your picture today

I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home

I just called to say,

I love you come back home

I knew you'd sleep with someone else.. but I'd hoped you'd slept with her when I wasnt so down in the dumps and well... when you were back in the states...

My Night in the Psych Ward...

Thursday I went and talked to the Chaplain. I told him everything I told my best friend Tony about whats going on with me.

He took me to see a doctor - in which - I went to Yongsan and spent the night in the Psych Ward. I felt awful about going down there - but then I met someone in there that really reminded me that it can happen to anyone. I met a Major in there - she was extremely nice. Basically - she was going through the same stuff I was going through. It was kinda like my "ah-ha" moment. You know that its okay to get help.

However, what makes me so mad! Was when my supervisor picked me up - what did he do... put me on a guilt trip for not calling him. After the chaplain told me he'd get ahold of everyone who needs to know whats going on.

My roommate is kinda looking after me this weekend - its okay I guess. I'm not going to do anything stupid. But I am going to an appointment on monday and I'm gonna ask them if they think I should even be in the military anymore. Because I really hate when I'm at right now. Or hell - even see if I need to go home on some sorta leave or anything.. I dunno.. its like I'm stuck between the rock and the hard place. And if my unit treats me any differently because of all this I am serious going to get a lawyer. This is crazy...

Am I crazy???

I talked to my dad earlier today and he pretty much said that normally people are dealing one of my three problems at a time... but with me... I got all of them thrown on my lap at once. And that God only puts only what we can handle on us.

Sometimes I think God forgot about me...

Dear God,

I'm sorry for whatever I did for you to forget about me.

But please help me... Help me get better.

Help me handle missing Tony. Help me handle missing home.

Help me get through this not having direction within my job.

Help me Let GO...

Just Hold me and Help me.

Love,

Jessica

Booze, Tattoos, and Guitars...

Although I had to work yesterday I got a little time off to go see him. He was just a few blocks getting a tattoo, after having a few drinks. He was just getting the color on his sleeve touched up. Its absolutely beautiful. His sleeve is inspired by Starry Night by Van Gogh.

Anyways - I finally gave him the guitar he wanted. Took me forever to find it - but I got it. He was kinda taken aback by it. But ya know...

We talked about a lot of stuff. I know he has slept with other girls since he's been with me. He admitted to one - so he could get his 'Tanker Boots.' But I can forgive him anything...

He also said that he wasn't "The One." And that maybe I don't love him.. that its just lust. But I know what Lust is... and what we have is love and true friendship.

But still its all I can do to keep from buying a pack of razors and slitting my wrists. I feel like this ticking time bomb... like at any moment could be THE moment. I plan on drinking today. My new roommate I'm forced to live with now will not be in our room. So... maybe it could happen then... or maybe not... who knows...

"I'm Going Back To Iraq..."

That is the text message I get just before I was about to go to bed. First thing I did was call him back.

"When?"

He could barely get an Hello out before I asked him this as he answers. Then he laughs that little nervous laugh he gets sometimes and says "Probably within two months of going to Japan."

I thought he wouldn't have to go back again. Why should someone have to go twice?

Its not fair. I would gladly take his place if God would let me.

God.

I'm not real happy with God right now. He's probably not happy with me either. Sometimes I wish I could sit down to coffee with him and just look him dead in the eyes and ask WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? But that would be too easy and there is not easy answer to that question. Because people ask me that question everyday.

Are you alright?

Deep down I wanna answer - No I'm not the fuck Alright.. I have to deal with you assholes ALL THE TIME and I gave up my life to do this. So here I am a year later and 25lbs heavier and I'm miserable. I'm maddly in love with a guy who is so scared of that love that I'll probably never hear from him again (atleast thats my fear) and on top of that he's going BACK to Iraq. So Fuck YOU - Fuck Your War... Fuck The State of The World As It Stands... It shouldn't have to be this way!!!!

But thats not my answer....

My answer is....

"I'm just fine - why'd you ask?"

or

"I'm okay."

I'm not okay....

The One

The One he says.... he said that I told him he was The One...

Do I mean it?

Yes.

I mean it so much it scares the crap out of me and there is nothing in the world that I can do about it.

So much more ...

I have so much more to write and say... I'm hoping that by writing it will help me feel better - mentally...

Sometimes I feel like a complete wreck.. You know the type that its so horrific that you can't help but watch?

I found this place on YouTube... I'm really interested in taking my photographs and collages.. and other types of artisty things that I do and making it into a video.

I have a program on my laptop that helps you take your photographs and make music videos or whatever you want with them.

My stomach is still hurting from my little episode last night... Sometimes I'm just so scared of myself. Scared of who I am... what I'm becoming... or what I've already became.

My college English Professor would be pissed if he saw all these choppy, broken up sentences.. but its kinda like these are my thoughts... so thats why I'm writing like this.

I'm rather curious if anyone will read this... let alone reply... I hope someone does... I have to hang on to that ... Hope.

I dont know...

"I don't know..."

Thats the only response I can give.

Last night I drank two bottles of wine by myself....self - destructing... thats what someone has called it. My two best friends - who are back in the states - barely know whats going on. I have a friend here but he is leaving next Tuesday to go on leave. Last night he spent some time with me...

"I don't know...."

I had just finished a bottle of wine when he came over. Then as we sat in my room I finished another... and thats all I remember.

"I don't know...."

I woke up this morning in my robe, naked underneath. My friend and I are intimate , so I completely trust him, so even if we had sex... I'm fine with it. But I don't think we did. I remember his face, I remember his shirt off... I remember holding him... I remember crying... I remember crying REALLY hard.... because he's leaving. I remember he told me he had told his parents about me finally. I know I love him. I remember being in my robe, standing infront of the mirror, he came up behind me and hugged me as I cried... cried like I've never cried before... he kissed my neck... and then he was gone.......

I woke up in my bed with a blanket over me. I don't know if he tucked me in or not... I'd rather not know...

Today, I'm at work... I feel awful because I have a hangover... not the headache kind either.. its the nausea kind. I haven't thrown up yet.. but I bet I'd feel better if I did.

"What you don't know..."

If I could write a letter to him right now it would state:

I love you... I'm so sorry that I've put you through this. Please.. will you ever forgive me?

The night of your last big party.... after I'd taken you to my room and put you to bed... I tried to slit my wrists... Was that what I told you that drunken Sunday? What did I say?

What did I say???

No matter now... I'm writing this letter because I'll forgive you for leaving me...

leaving my heart and soul behind.

You did nothing wrong...So when you get this...

Know I love you and wish you the best in all that is to come...

Love Always

Your

Jessica